The Simpsons Project #9

The Simpsons Project #9 (Season 1, Episode 9)
Life on the Fast Lane
Original airdate: 3/18/90

Hello, everyone, and happy holidays! I hope you and yours had a fantastic holiday weekend, and hopefully all of you and your loved ones are in good health and good spirits.

I should have mentioned this in my last column, but December 14 marked the one-year anniversary of the creation of this blog. I’d like to sincerely thank everyone who has written an article for the Musicarium, and I’d also like to thank everyone who has ever taken the time to load this page up. To anyone who has mentioned the blog to myself, or to Matt, or to anyone else who writes/has written here, thanks so much.

The ninth episode of The Simpsons, “Life on the Fast Lane”, delves into the shaky marriage of the Simpson parental unit. We open with Bart and Lisa preparing a birthday breakfast for Marge, complete with a cake and about fifty pancakes. They awaken Marge with breakfast in bed, and Homer is completely oblivious and unaware of the significance of the day. He immediately runs to the mall to purchase a present, and in the end purchases a bowling ball for Marge so that he’ll be able to use it. To say she’s unhappy with his gift would be an understatement.

Homer has always been a thoughtless goofball, but in earlier episodes, his selfishness and rudeness is presented in a much more negative light. In recent episodes, the others expect him to act like a jerk and usually brush off his behavior with an eye-roll or a quip; in fact, that they know he’ll behave like that is a joke in itself. But here, Homer is truly portrayed as a guy who just doesn’t understand basic decency. When Marge opens the bowling ball and Homer says “If you don’t want it, I know someone who does”, referring to himself, it may be the low point of Homer as a husband and family man in the entire series.

To spite Homer, Marge decides to use the ball anyway, and ends up meeting a local lothario, Jacques, at the bowling alley. He offers to teach her how to bowl, but he’s really interested in preying on her fragile and attention-starved sensibilities in order to get her into bed. He buys her a bowling glove with her name on it and then takes her out to brunch. Jacques possesses a combination of feigned classiness and a general understanding of how women work. His gift of the bowling glove to Marge, so shortly after her “present” from Homer, and his self-portrayal as a classy French playboy, represent the opposite of Homer’s brutishness and thoughtlessness.

Every character in the episode has great, realistic reactions to what’s happening. Marge is wracked with guilt about what she’s doing, but she so desires genuine attention and affection that she nearly destroys her family. Homer realizes that he’s a shitty husband, but doesn’t know what to say or do about it. The kids see what is going on and deal with its implications. It’s actually a pretty heavy-handed episode, light on laughs but long on story and character development.

Marge agrees to visit Jacques’ apartment, but has second thoughts on her way there, and instead decides to drop in on Homer at the nuclear plant, mending their relationship and providing for a memorable ending.

B+

John Lacey

“Tell him I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!” - Homer

Forgotten Records #6: Led Zeppelin - Presence

Led Zeppelin
Presence
1976 Swan Song

Why was it forgotten?

Led Zeppelin may have more fans than any rock group or artist short of the Beatles, and yet many of their followers, for one reason or another, aren’t familiar with their entire discography. Many of the group’s most ardent supporters seem to have only a passing knowledge of Led Zeppelin’s later works, like 1979’s In Through The Out Door and 1982’s “posthumously” released Coda. In these cases, ignorance may be bliss, as both albums left much to be desired (and Coda wasn’t really an album at all, rather a collection of outtakes released following the death of drummer John Bonham in 1980). Today’s subject, 1976’s Presence, is unfairly lumped in with these aforementioned albums. It failed to spawn a true hit at its time of release, which essentially led to its lack of airplay on modern (then) and classic (now) rock radio, which in turn led to its lack of discovery.

It’s easy to understand why today’s Led Zeppelin fans often forget about Presence when discussing the group’s great albums. Led Zeppelin are thought of as a legendary, pioneering, larger than life rock and roll outfit, and their first five albums (Led Zeppelin, II, III, [IV], and Houses Of The Holy) are considered some of the greatest of all time. An album like Presence, which wasn’t accompanied by a world famous “Stairway To Heaven”-size single, easily gets lost amidst the sea of fantastic music the band has put out before it. There’s “classic Zeppelin” (the first five albums) and then there’s everything after (including Physical Graffiti, another criminally underrated album), and unfortunately Presence was not released during the most famous era of the band’s history.

Presence was simply swallowed by what came before it, and oddly enough, even the passing of time hasn’t helped to bring it to the attention of the masses. Classic rock stations continue to play tracks from the band’s first four or five albums, and only die-hard fans bother to delve into the back catalogue to see what they might be missing. New Zeppelin fans haven’t bothered to venture far beyond Houses Of The Holy, and older fans haven’t been able to lend Presence an heir of importance over time.

Should it be forgotten?

Absolutely not. Presence is chock-full of amazing songs, beginning with the spiraling ten-minute epic “Achilles Last Stand”. “Achilles” is perhaps the most epic song Led Zeppelin ever created, featuring tremendous guitar riffs, fantastical lyrics and constant movement in the song from one section to another. Only length prevented this from being a smash hit, but this is one of the band’s finest hours.

“Achilles Last Stand” is a standard heavy and big Zeppelin song, but it’s smarter than that, and sets the tone for the rest of the album. Where some of their previous epic/fantasy songs could be a bit clumsy or repetitive, “Achilles” continues a trend first seen on Physical Graffiti (1975). It teases moving to different tempos and places first, then delves into them full bore minutes later. We might anticipate these changes, but the band sets things up so that we want them to come and we feel a payoff when they do. “Achilles Last Stand” is frantic and urgent, but also delicate, strong, and enormous.

Presence veers right into a classic sleazy Zeppelin riff that kicks off “For Your Life”, a customarily bloated, yet strong, production, clocking in at 6 ½ minutes. “For Your Life” is an anti-cocaine statement, where Plant embodies the seductive, grimily grandiose nature of the drug. The song helps move the album from the fantasy elements of “Achilles” to the barroom splendor of early Zeppelin, but maintains the overall ideology of the album, with numerous tempo changes and bridges to different pieces. The largeness of “Achilles” makes it a classic, and the straight-ahead riffing of “For Your Life” does the same for it.

“Royal Orleans” follows, a three minute romp that rolls through quickly (compared to the first two songs), carrying on the momentum the album has built. This leads into “Nobody’s Fault But Mine”, with Jimmy Page’s introductory buzzing, layered guitar riff matched note for note by Robert Plant’s vocals. It’s another ass-kicker, with a memorable riff and assaulting drum blasts. “Nobody’s Fault But Mine” returns to the guitar/vocal intro for an unorthodox chorus of sorts, which is pulled off seamlessly and rolls back into the main riff. It, too, matches and adds to the incredible pace of the album.

In many ways the first four songs on Presence represent the group at the absolute top of their game. All four songs are great (even including a “Stairway”-like epic in “Achilles”), the musicianship is perfect, their ideas are simple but also complex, and everything sounds good.

“Candy Store Rock” is the fifth track, an Elvis-type number with a harder edge. It passes without much fanfare, save for a strong guitar part that accompanies its chorus. It doesn’t live up to the album’s early standard, but it’s certainly not a bad song. “Hots On For Nowhere” bounces around, carrying on the slightly lighter tone introduced by “Candy Store Rock”. It also rules. Great guitar, forceful drums, great vocals, great chorus. Every riff on Presence is essentially a hook; nothing is wasted, everything is catchy, and everything works.

“Tea For One” finishes things, opening with an amazing riff, albeit briefly, that then blends into a slower, bluesy tune; think of “Since I’ve Been Loving You” from the third album. The opening riff shows that they could have finished the album off with another rocker, and I almost wish they had. “Tea For One” is a fine song, but it’s the only song on the record that feels remotely out of place. Even at its reduced pace, however, it changes direction repeatedly and carries on the ingenuity of the songs before it.

If Presence had been released in 1970 as Led Zeppelin II, this would be one of the most famous albums in the world. Every song is terrific; Presence finds Led Zeppelin at their most stripped down and focused, and they don’t fuck around. It’s a shame Presence isn’t more well-known, and hopefully someday the album’s reputation will be for more than its intriguing artwork.

A-

John Lacey

People Play Games #1 - John Elway's Quarterback

Hello, and welcome to the first installment of a new column on the Musicarium, “People Play Games”. This column will be the spiritual sister to the seldom-seen “Nintend’oh!” column written by Dan Baxter. For “People Play Games”, each column will focus on a specific sub-genre of older games (re: 1996 or earlier), such as games based on Arnold Schwarzenegger films, games with over-the-top commercial tie-ins, and so on. Together, we’ll look back fondly on the dog shit we spent our youth wasting our time on.


For the first column, I wanted to discuss a genre of games pretty much non-existent today: sports games with pro athlete sponsorship. Nowadays, nearly all sports games are put out by Electronic Arts or 2K Sports, and their games are usually quite good. But it wasn’t always this way. Before the Madden NFL series popularized sports video games and put EA on the map, all sorts of different developers and publishers were putting out awful sports games for the Nintendo, Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis. These games were easily spotted by their borderline unplayability, lack of official team and player names, and the emblazoned name of whatever dopey athlete signed on to be the spokesman. Today’s entry, John Elway’s Quarterback (NES, 1988), is the standard-bearer for poorly designed and developed games put out to cash in on a hot athlete’s name before people knew any better.

And man, is John Elway’s Quarterback an astoundingly horrible video game. We of course start with the signature feature of any game like this; city names only, no logos. Because playing with “Player 1” on “San Francisco” is much more fun that playing as Joe Montana! Even John Elway isn’t in the game, and he’s on the fucking cover. When you see a team select screen that looks like this, you know you’re in trouble.

The gameplay, you ask? Why, it’s putrid! Offense consists of either quarterback draws that are immediately stuffed for no gain, or throws that either go four feet to the left or right (directly into the turf, of course) or are intercepted. I managed to make it through one-half of John Elway’s Quarterback and I completed one pass, a screen to a running back standing immediately to my right. Here you see a typical Quarterback “scrum”, with the ball loose on the ground to the left of the quarterback (it’s the orange dot).

Offensive play calling is only slightly sub-Madden NFL 10. Plays are listed simply enough, with names like “post”, “screen”, and “sneak”. But every play that didn’t start out of the shotgun resulted in the quarterback snapping the ball and automatically lunging for a first down without my pressing a button. Eventually, I attempted to give up on offense, and after surrendering a touchdown, ran the return back into the end zone to accept a safety. Of course, John Elway’s Quarterback didn’t even allow me to quit the game in a fun manner, actually awarding me the ball and putting me at the 20-yard line as if it was a touchback. It’s one thing to not fully convey the complexities of football in a video game; it’s quite another to get the rules completely wrong. Eventually, I succeeded in surrendering a safety. See?

The defensive end was not much better. Three times I intercepted the other team without pressing a button or knowing what was going on. Defense is basically chasing after the quarterback as he takes a 35-step drop away from the line of scrimmage. From there, either you sack him or he connects on a bomb for a touchdown. There’s no in-between. Once, the opposing quarterback was facing 4th and inches from his own 15-yard line, and elected to drop back into his own end zone and unleash a sixty yard pass that resulted in a touchdown. Something tells me that the creators of this game (most likely Japanese men) have never watched a football game in their lives.

There are a slew of games that are just as bad that feature equally hilarious professional athlete spokesmen (Bo Jackson, Deion Sanders, Emmitt Smith, Troy Aikman, Roger Clemens, George Foreman, etc.), which leads me to wonder: did they ever actually play these games? I’d like to imagine John Elway sitting in the game company’s offices, slapping his knee with a big smile on his face while playing his game, while yes-men talk about how “lifelike” and “realistic” the game is and John nods in approval. In fact, the reaction of the athlete playing the awful game bearing his likeness would be 100 times more entertaining than the games themselves.

John Lacey

Lawman addendum: Facebook chat discussion

Yesterday, my friend Brian and I talked about Lawman while it was airing. I figured that it's only fitting that I share that with you all now. I realize this probably reads idiodically but try to appreciate our enthusiasm for the subject matter. Enjoy! (For the original show review, please see immediately below.)

10:27pm Brian: martial arts

10:27pm John: did you just hear that

10:27pm Brian: yeah

10:27pm John: what city is this?

hahaha!

10:28pm Brian: somewhere in louisiana

nice shades

10:28pm John: a zen method of breathing

10:28pm Brian: hahaha dont try to do anything

10:29pm John: haha yes! isnt he a deputy? why is he training people?

10:30pm Brian: haha, he's been a deputy for like 20 years

uhhhhhhhhhh

10:31pm John: the introduction is absolutely awesome

10:31pm Brian: yeah this is teriffic

10:32pm John: he's eventually going to shoot someone

10:33pm Brian: chase!

10:33pm John: "where the 95g?

10:33pm Brian: a 95 g!

10:34pm John: is that related to three g's?

10:35pm Brian: i hope so

10:35pm John: these cops must think they're the shit for hanging out with seagal

10:36pm Brian: yeah and theyre all idiots

10:36pm John: haha god almighty

10:37pm Brian: he's huge

10:37pm John: you're not gonna shoot me, seagal. you aint got the gojis!

10:37pm Brian: they should all drink seagal energy drinks on this

10:37pm John: hahahah

10:38pm Brian: Steven Seagal Lawman, brought to you by Steven Seagal Energy Drink, brought to you by Steven Seagal Enterprises

10:38pm John: hahaha I had a flashback from above the law

10:39pm Brian: this these fat bozo cops are ever going to actually use these akido moves

10:39pm John: hahaha I know

10:39pm Brian: that was probably like some 20 minute fuck around thing for filler on the show

oh dear

10:40pm John: definitely I bet they do shit like that constantly

10:40pm Brian: brawl in parking lot

10:43pm John: "I know this place. Let's get out of this neighborhood. Gt now."

10:43pm Brian: Hold on guys, pull over here, i gotta get a 6pack of seltzer

10:44pm John: hahaha

10:45pm John: haha the guy is driving over the lawn

10:46pm Brian: hahahahahaha

10:47pm John: hahahaha

10:47pm Brian: hahahaha

10:48pm John: this guy is the man

10:49pm John: so do they work 24 hours a day?

10:49pm Brian: hahahah i think just like late night

10:51pm John: a&e apparently finds the biggest fuck ups in the world and puts them on tv

10:51pm Brian: hahahaso they did a series with swayze and now seagal

10:53pm John: every show is about drug addicts, people who hold on to everything, people who see ghosts, or feature washed up fat movie stars

10:54pm Brian: i like the back to back episodes

10:54pm John: oh yeah

haha a bottle of goldschlager

10:55pm Brian: hahahaa

10:55pm John: that was a senior quote, by the way

10:55pm Brian: what "can we get some badge numbers"

10:56pm John: "i know y'all tryin to do y'alls job but right now I dont think y'alls doin y'alls job"

10:56pm Brian: hahahaha

10:56pm John: and of course this guy has a 95 g as well

10:58pm John: yes

10:59pm John: if I lived in that area I'd probably move away pretty quickly knowing these retards are patrolling the streets

11:00pm Brian: uhhh yeah headed by the guy from "Submerged"

11:00pm John: hahaok...wow uhh.that was silly1

11:01pm Brian: yeah, that was good though

11:01pm John: sorry that was absurd, Im out

Steven Seagal: Lawman - "The Deadly Hand"

Steven Seagal has long been one of my favorite awful actors. Ever since the opening scene of Out For Justice, where he smashed a pimp’s head through a windshield with his karate prowess, Seagal has delighted me with his putrid acting, his insanely idiotic films, his recent weight gain and subsequent kimono-dependent wardrobe, his energy drink (which my friends and I actually purchased from his website), and his pretentiousness when talking about his martial arts training and whatever Ancient Mystic Oriental item he’s discussing the merits of.

Needless to say, I was absolutely thrilled when I found out he’d be the subject of an A&E reality show in which cameras would follow him performing his duties as an on-duty cop in Louisiana (a job which he’s apparently had for twenty years). Lawman basically brings the Steven Seagal movie characters into real-life dangerous situations, with Seagal mixing his martial arts acumen with by-the-book, old-fashioned police skullcracking. It’s terrific. So I’m going to review new episodes of the show every so often, starting with its second episode, “The Deadly Hand”.

We start with the intro, which is pure gold and one of the most enjoyable aspects of the show. In it, we see Seagal jumping fences and apprehending criminals while he speaks the following voiceover: “I make a living in the movies, but for the past twenty years, I’ve also been a cop. And along with some of the finest deputies on the force, I serve the people of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana. My name is Steven Seagal. That’s right, Steven Seagal, deputy sheriff.” Fuck yeah! Let’s kick some ass!

Seagal and his cadre of physically unfit bozo cops begin with a “suspicious persons” call in a ghetto neighborhood. Seagal casually drops nuggets of wisdom like “awareness is the key to survival”. The camera also periodically gets grainy and slows down while Seagal assesses nearby people as potential threats; call it the “Seagal-Sense”.

They see a guy with a gun on the street (a “95 G”, whatever that is) and try to question him, but he takes off running. Considering the average weight of these guys, including Seagal, is around 300 pounds, he escapes easily. They recover his cell phone and the gun, and Seagal inexplicably wears Bono-esque sunglasses in the middle of the night.'

They apparently never stop working, because they’re still on duty the following morning. Seagal is going to train the others in some martial arts moves, because he’s “studied the martial arts most of his life, so he has a lot of confidence in himself”. His police brethren, however, lack his aikido skills, which could be a problem if they need to serve a warrant on Jet Li. Of course, Steven brings out his Japanese aikido student to take falls for him to demonstrate the proper way to disarm someone, as if these fat clowns are ever going to successfully use these moves. This scene essentially boils down to the cops marveling at Seagal’s basic takedown skills and “quickness”.

The boys now travel to a club parking lot, where contingents of black and white people have started a melee. The quotes bandied about by both the cops and perpetrators are great, with flimsy excuses coming from the fighters and cheesy standard cop threats coming from the officers. One gigantic tattooed black man is none too happy, screaming “Get this shit off me man!” and “I need you to take these bitches off!” in relation to his handcuffs. He then howls in pain like Chewbacca because they’re too tight. Seagal vaguely implies threats of violence and says that the arrestee is “not a very good Zen practitioner”. He is put into the cop car and kicks out the window, prompting them to use a taser on him. Seagal: “Everybody goin’ for a ride!”

1:36 A.M. Saturday: suspicious activity! Seagal-Sense kicks in, and it looks like some guys are drinking in their car! Two guys appear shitfaced and high and have an open bottle of Goldschlager in their car. Their excuses are amazing. We get the quote of the night when one of the accused muses, “I understand y’all doin’ y’all job, but right now I don’t feel like y’all doin’ y’all job!” They also find a gun (another 95 G!), but they’re amazingly not drunk and the gun is legal and registered. One of the two idiots recognizes Seagal and pledges, “I would never disrespect you!” Could you imagine actually being arrested by Steven Seagal?

Finally, we’re back at the precinct, where Seagal promises the other cops that his knowledge can save their lives. He again performs very simple “weapons retention” maneuvers while everyone stands slack-jawed in amazement.

Wow. This is ridiculous. I’m not even going to grade this, because obviously on a legitimate scale, it’s brutally awful. But as a hilariously entertaining half-hour of television, it’s hard to top.

John Lacey

Metal By Steele #1

This is the introduction of a new column I’ll be doing about once a month, where I review a handful of new and not-so-new metal releases in a brief manner. Kicking the inaugural edition off, thrash metal gods Slayer and their latest, World Painted Blood.

Slayer – World Painted Blood

Slayer’s last few albums have all been hailed as a “return to form,” dating back to 2001’s God Hates Us All. Truth is, they never really lost their form in the first place, aside from a few nu-metal-esque tracks on Diabolus in Musica. Slayer has always sounded like Slayer, they’ve just added a few pieces to the repertoire over the years. 2006’s Christ Illusion sounded like a band that was mostly trying to get back in touch with their old thrash metal sound, yet the songs that really stood out on that album (“Jihad” “Eyes of the Insane”) didn’t sound very thrashy at all. I find the same is true on World Painted Blood, with the best songs being on the more experimental side, i.e. “Beauty Through Order” and “Playing with Dolls.” Don’t get me wrong, there are a few great thrash songs on this album – “Psychopathy Red” and “Hate Worldwide,” in particular – but the moodier, slower songs bring to mind the creepy vibe of tracks from South of Heaven and Seasons in the Abyss, something the band hasn’t been able to re-create in quite some time. Some are hailing this album as a return-to-form yet again, but as I said before, this is a band who has always been undeniably SLAYER. As for the album, I like it better than the last 3 they’ve released, so I’d have to say it’s a solid B.

Abraxas – Wretched Existence EP

Thanks to Relapse Records for hooking me up with this EP from brand-new death metallers Abraxas. Featuring veterans of the scene ranging from bands such as Hate Eternal, Monstrosity and Vile, this is fast, brutal death metal, with some catchy riffs, and even a bass solo on opener “Eternally Erased.” I’m not big on the vocals, which I could probably say about 90% of death metal, but musically this is a tight effort from a band that doesn’t exactly stand out from the death metal crowd. Solid debut, for sure, and at only 4 tracks, it definitely doesn’t wear out its welcome like a lot of death metal full-length releases tend to do. Mildly recommended for death metal die-hards only. C+

Mammoth Grinder – Extinction of Humanity

Newly released on CD and digital download by Relapse, this is a Texas band that I was unfamiliar with going into this review. Labeled as a “violent strain of hardcore,” I was apprehensive going into this. Not usually a huge hardcore fan, I was pleasantly surprised at the intensity and rawness exhibited here, and aside from the speed, I didn’t find them to sound very “core” at all. They bring to mind Clandestine/Wolverine Blues-era Entombed in a lot of ways; it’s almost blatant. Not that that’s a bad thing, as those two releases are two of the best metal albums ever, IMO, and with Entombed’s last couple of releases not really hitting the mark for me, Mammoth Grinder certainly does the trick. Not many points for originality, but the execution is top-notch. The songs vary in tempos and structure, so they never get too boring or repetitive. They keep it quick with only 7 songs, which is also a plus. I’ll give it a B-, but am interested in hearing more from them in the future, and seeing if they develop more of their own sound.

Matt Steele

The Dailies 11/29/09: From the Old West to Central Europe

Hi, everyone. I hope you had a great holiday and stuffed yourselves silly on all sorts of poultry and side dishes. I’ve taken a bit of time off from the blog due to a bout with the flu and then the aforementioned holiday, but I’m back with a few new films I’ve taken in recently.

Trailerz

Tombstone (1993) – Dir: George P. Cosmatos (and Kurt Russell). Principals: Kurt Russell, Val Kilmer, Michael Biehn, Dana Delany

Tombstone is a perfectly acceptable Hollywood western. It lacks the grit and uncompromising vision of spaghetti Westerns like Leone’s “Dollars trilogy” or Sergio Corbucci’s The Great Silence (1968), substituting much of the violence and bloodshed depicted in those films for a romantic subplot between Kurt Russell’s Wyatt Earp character and Dana Delany’s travelling lounge singer character. What makes a good Western is a strong, charismatic lead, like Eastwood in the “Dollars” films or in Unforgiven. The lead in Western’s isn’t supposed to care about getting the girl. He’s not a romantic; he’s a killer, albeit one that operates with a code of ethics. Russell does well with the Wyatt Earp role in certain respects, but unfortunately the film vacillates between well-done gunfights and romantic mush between Russell and Delany that continually derails the proceedings.

Tombstone does have a strong ensemble cast (Russell, Sam Elliott, Bill Paxton, Powers Boothe, Val Kilmer, even Charlton Heston) and does get the general feel of the old West correct, which is essential for a believable and entertaining Western. Tombstone makes the one-horse town of Tombstone, Arizona accurately feel like the center of its resident’s lives. Everything looks right, as well, with dust and grime covering everything, saloons and brothels on every street corner and ornery characters lurking around every corner.

The acting is serviceable throughout, but Val Kilmer’s performance as Wyatt Earp’s friend Doc Holliday, though a bit hammy and over the top, was at least intriguing and fun to watch. Kilmer provides a spark that the rest of the good guys in the film, including Russell, simply don’t get across. There are scenes of power and some nice gun play in Tombstone, but unfortunately it’s a bit too glossy for this type of material and spends too much time doting on Russell’s love interest and not enough creating an engaging plot. C.

The Third Man (1949) – Dir: Carol Reed. Principals: Joseph Cotten, Orson Welles, Alida Valli, Trevor Howard

The Third Man is a brilliant detective story about an American (Joseph Cotten) trying to uncover the truth about his friend’s death in post WWII-era Vienna. Director Carol Reed captures the look and feel of a glorious city reduced to ruins due to the war and creates a perfect atmosphere for the chaotic story.

Joseph Cotten travels through the city shaking down his friend Harry Lime’s former associates and lovers, trying to get more information to determine the plausibility of the car accident that ended Lime’s life. After talking with Lime’s friends who were at the scene of the accident, Cotten starts to believe that everything about the story does not add up and figures out that Lime is actually alive. Cotten receives intelligence from British authorities (post-war Vienna had been split up into four zones, of which the British controlled one) that Lime is actually a wanted criminal, and his character, played by Orson Welles, steals the movie with a wonderfully cold-hearted exchange with Cotten.

Welles is eventually set up for arrest by Cotten and the British, and the pathetic end to his life, trying to crawl for freedom in the sewers of Vienna, is well done and very powerful. The only thing about the film that didn’t make sense was Cotten’s motivation for uncovering the truth and his devotion to Lime. Cotten’s character comes off as a straight-laced, moral guy, and though he was unaware of Lime’s criminal enterprises, he still seems like the kind of guy that would have sniffed something like that out or realized something was amiss. His detective work shows he is not the kind of guy to be easily duped, and yet he had no idea of his friend’s improprieties. Still, despite its very few flaws, The Third Man is a terrific picture. A-. (The Third Man won the Best Cinematography Academy Award in 1951, and was also nominated for Best Director (Reed) and Best Film Editing).

Feature Presentation

“Dekalog” (or “The Decalogue”), Volumes I-III
Director: Krzysztof Kieslowski
Principal Actors: Episode I: Henryk Baranowski, Episode II: Krystyna Janda, Aleksander Bardini, Episode III: Daniel Olbrychski, Maria Pakulnis

“The Decalogue” is a series of ten one-hour long episodes produced for Polish TV in 1989. Each apparently either corresponds with or contains elements of one or more of the Ten Commandments. Some films are easier to determine which commandment they match up with than others, but it’s truthfully immaterial. Each of the first three “Decalogue” films (in fact, all of them) are brilliant studies in the hardships of Polish society in Warsaw in the late 80s, and each of the films take place in a high-rise apartment complex in that city.

The first “Decalogue” entry depicts a single father, a man of science and numbers, training his young son in the art of the scientific method and using reason to deduce things. He buys the boy a pair of ice skates for Christmas, and he goes out late at night to test the ice on the pond adjacent to the apartments in which they live. The father’s faith in reason and science inadvertently causes the death of his son, who falls through the ice and drowns. The father, played by Henryk Baranowski, perfectly portrays a father in grief when he realizes what happened, and provides what is the saddest and most human scenes I’ve seen in “The Decalogue” thus far.

In the second entry, a young pregnant woman (Krystyna Janda) harasses a doctor about her husband’s medical prognosis. She’s been unable to conceive with her husband, and she’s pregnant by another man. If her husband lives, she’ll have to abort the child, but if he dies, she’ll keep it due to her previous inability to have a baby. The battle of wits between the woman and the doctor (Aleksander Bardini) provide the meat of the film, with the doctor hesitant to make any kind of prediction or prognosis despite the pleas of the woman, and the woman trying to get beyond the doctor’s professional façade and appeal to his humanity to get the information she needs.

Over the first three entries, the setting of the “Decalogue” has been gray, cold, and uniform. The high-rise apartments are drab and their lifts and hallways resemble hospital wards. For the material in question, they’re perfect. Director Krzysztof Kieslowski uses them as a character of sorts, and they work to actually make the character’s problems seem smaller than they really are. Each character’s pains and struggles dominate each of the individual episodes, but we know from previous installments that there are other folks in the same apartment building with comparable problems. This knowledge compounds the difficulties of the characters, and in each film we think back on the protagonists of the previous films and wonder where they are in the complex and how they’re holding up.

The third entry follows a family man who is summoned by a former lover on Christmas Eve to help her find her presumed dead husband. This third film is the most confusing in terms of motivation and isn’t as strong as the other two, but the man and woman’s journey into the middle of the night on Christmas Eve provides some memorable moments. The man, out of a misplaced but noble sense of duty, accompanies the woman to morgues, drunk tanks, and abandoned train stations while the woman alternates between fits of madness and calmness. The people they encounter in these moribund places on a supposed day of joy creates the strongest atmosphere of any of the films thus far.

The first three volumes of “The Decalogue” are a great work of human filmmaking. They don’t presume to be anything more than what they are; simply following a series of characters that live together in an apartment complex and the difficulties and hardships they face. Kieslowski doesn’t tell us how to feel about what happens to them and what they do. He leaves it up to us, perhaps with a little help from the Bible.

A

John Lacey

Fanfarlo - Reservoir

Fanfarlo
Reservoir
2009 (self-released)

Walking the line between chamber pop and twee-bliss, Reservoir, the 2009 debut album from London-based Fanfarlo is a brilliant piece of work from any band, much less one making its debut.

With predictable comparisons to Arcade Fire’s Funeral and Clap Your Hands Say Yeah’s self-titled debut, front man Simon Balthazar’s range and ability to complement his band’s baroque melodies separate this record from the realm of simply derivative.

Despite their galactic monikers, tracks “Comet” and “Luna” provide the most down to earthly accessible moments on the record, with the former’s disjointed crescendo of strings breaching the borders of triumphant. “Fire Escape” finds the band loosening up the collars of their wool cardigans and rocking out to a backbeat and catchy trumpet melodies. Still, the band proves itself to be more than just another wistful pop act and channels Peter Buck’s right-hand with the track “Harold T. Wilkins”, an enjoyable foot stomper.

“If It Is Growing” brings forth the most intimate moment of the record, with a track that sees the band as its most vulnerable, harnessed by horns, strings, and keys. Instrumental “Good Morning Midnight” closes the record with a mandolin piece that lets you off easily after a nice ride.

As Balthazar sings on “If It Is Growing”, "If it is clawing/And wants to get out/Then let it come out", you get the sense on this record that there is a band that wants to get out, and will get out and establish its own identity as more than just another band that sounds like that band from Montreal.

B+

HOSS

The Random Ten #14

I’m flying solo on this edition of the Random Ten, which will hopefully help to get my mind off the atrocity that befell the Patriots last night in Indianapolis. Let’s go!

1) Silkworm – “Moving” – Italian Platinum (2002)

Silkworm definitely comes from the Pavement school of indie-rock, with this track featuring sparse instrumentation, quirky guitar work, and Steven Malkmus-esque lyrics from their lead singer. “Moving” moseys along in its minimalistic way, and like a lot of Pavement songs, it has a way of sounding larger, frillier, and more important than it really is. It’s interesting, but it’s quite drab and doesn’t do a whole lot.

2) Ben Folds – “Rockin’ the Suburbs” – Songs For Goldfish (2005)

This is the second Random Ten in a row where a song from this album has been featured; what are the odds! Anyway, this is a live performance of the title track of his 2001 solo album. Folds sounds boisterous and focused here, and the audience is audibly jazzed up for this and makes things more fun. The bubbly, cheerful misery and melancholy of the song comes across very well in this version, with crisp piano from Folds and solid musicianship from his band.

Folds’ smarminess and sarcasm can be a double-edged sword; it can push a song over the top to where it needs to go or he can come off looking really cheesy and lame. This version, thankfully, gives us the former, with Folds sounding sharp and getting his point across. The version ends with a flourish of Folds repeatedly screaming “fuck you” over a pseudo-metal riff. He could have done without that.

3) Widespread Panic – “Meeting Of The Waters” – Ball (2003)

Hey, these guys again, for the second week in a row! Widespread Panic is a talented, good band, but too much of what they do is so simple and straightforward. Take “Meeting Of The Waters”, the ninth track from their 2003 album (and first album without founding member and guitarist Michael Houser, who died in 2002). There’s not much complexity in this song, and usually when any song of theirs is memorable, it’s because they strike gold with a particularly memorable riff or melody.

When their songs don’t have one of those two things, they float by, not bad enough to dislike but not good enough to really care about. I’m not the biggest fan of theirs, so I’m not completely familiar with their catalogue, but it seems like they have a lot of songs that fit this mold. A nice jam in the last minute of this track, however, does liven things up a bit.

4) Pearl Jam – “Alone” – Live At The Gorge 05/06 (2007)

This version of “Alone” is culled from disc two of Pearl Jam’s massive seven-disc live collection from 2007. This is one of my favorite b-sides from their 2003 rarities compilation, Lost Dogs. Lead singer Eddie Vedder does a nice job handling the vocal peaks and valleys that this song requires of him and a solid guitar part about halfway through provides a quintessential grunge riff. A short but solid performance.

5) The Beatles – “If I Needed Someone” – Rubber Soul (1965)

“If I Needed Someone” is a fantastic song, featuring strong harmonies and great bass and guitar work. The different vocals of the Beatles combine to form one voice, and the way that voice moves along in a different tone from word to word in the song’s verses is fantastic. It’s quick, so there’s not a whole lot to say about it, except that you should listen to Rubber Soul.

6) Stevie Wonder – “Visions” – Innervisions (1973)

I’m ashamed to admit this, but I’ve never put this album on before. “Visions” features Wonder’s trademark voice, which conveys a youthful wisdom that is unique and solely his. The song creates an eerie atmosphere, with a dark jazzy tone that moves things along. It sounds like a lounge act, evoking images of a smoke-filled martini bar. That’s not meant to denigrate it; I actually quite like this sound, but it’s a bit too sparse, and I was hoping it would eventually take me someplace else before its conclusion.

7) The Jayhawks – “Darling Today” – Music From The North Country: The Jayhawks Anthology (2009, song originally recorded in 1994 [and according to Wikipedia, was on the Blown Away soundtrack])

The Jayhawks are another band that was featured on the last Random Ten, and “Darling Today” gives us the second winner in a row from the alt-country outfit. Solid harmonies, a tickling piano piece, and a classic alt-country breakdown the leads back into another verse give the song punch in its three-minute runtime. It’s quick, fun, and nostalgic: alt-country’s M.O.

8) Grateful Dead – “Hey Pocky Way” – So Many Roads (1999)

This version of “Hey Pocky Way” was originally recorded in Greensboro, NC in 1989 and is found on their five-disc 1999 box set, So Many Roads. “Hey Pocky Way” is a classic bouncy rock and roll tune; no frills minus the occasional synthesizer. I love the Dead’s jamming, but sometimes it’s nice when they don’t fuck around and they play a six-minute asskicker like this. A pleasure to listen to from a then-rejuvenated band.

9) Oasis – “The Girl In The Dirty Shirt” – Be Here Now (1997)

I’m actually just coming around to Oasis right now; they don’t do anything too crazy, but they generally put big-sounding riff heavy rock to tape, which I can always get behind. This song is really no different from the standard Oasis song. The world isn’t being lit aflame here, but there are some strong riffs and a nice chorus that serves as an adequate payoff. I don’t know if this needs to be six minutes long, but it’s a perfectly acceptable rock song, if a bit boring.

10) Dave Matthews Band – “Stay (Wasting Time)” – Listener Supported (1999)

I used to really like Dave Matthews Band. I once counted Before These Crowded Streets as one of my favorite albums. I listened to them all the time. And now, well, this is the first time in years I’ve had them on.

Of course, “Stay” is a good song, especially this live performance from 1999’s Listener Supported. Most of their songs are good. But their fanbase, or my perception of their fanbase, ruins everything for me. All I can see when I hear Dave Matthews Band are teenage guys going to the “Dave show” to get hammered and teenage girls singing along to “Grey Street”. I realize that’s not the band’s fault, they obviously don’t control who listens to them. I just have trouble identifying myself in any way with “music fans” whom I feel know nothing about music.

But you know what? After re-reading the assholery of what I just wrote, and listening to this version of “Stay”, maybe I’ll give them another chance.

John Lacey

Boston Sports List #3: Most Crushing Defeats

Welcome back to another installment of the Boston Sports List. In the first two editions, we took a look at the most hated opposing teams from the perspective of a Boston sports fan. That list featured ten entries, broken into two columns. Moving forward, I’ll be narrowing down these lists to five entries, starting with today’s column on the most crushing defeats I’ve seen my Boston teams suffer.

A few things to get out of the way before we begin. First, though I was alive in 1986, I don’t remember actually seeing game six of the 1986 World Series. I’m limiting the list to games that I was actively watching and paying a life-or-death level of attention to. As a child, I watched Boston sports, but I wasn’t truly concerned about the outcome and mostly watched because my father did. I began coming into my own as a fan in 1998-1999, so all of the entries on this list date back only that far.

Secondly, there are no Bruins or Celtics games on this list. It’s not because I’m not a big enough fan of those teams to have been affected by one of their big losses. Basically, for a great majority of the last ten to eleven years, those two teams really weren’t that good and didn’t play in many gigantic games. Even when they both started becoming good over the past few years, I can’t really pinpoint any specific losses where I was completely devastated, like the five games below. I just wanted to get that out of the way.

#5) New York Yankees at Boston Red Sox - 1999 American League Championship Series (Game Four) – October 17, 1999

Like I mentioned earlier, I was always technically a fan of the local teams, but I didn’t watch every game or get broken up by losses or elated by big wins. The 1999 Red Sox season was the tipping point for me, where I started watching every game religiously, read the papers and Internet to get the scoop on trades and signings ahead of time, and when sports generally started being too important to me. I was fifteen, beginning my journey into manhood, and following baseball seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

Anyway, the Red Sox had made the playoffs as the wild card entry on the backs of pitcher Pedro Martinez and shortstop Nomar Garciaparra, and drew the then-juggernaut Cleveland Indians in the first round of the playoffs. The Sox quickly fell behind Cleveland, two games to none, and all hope seemed lost. I knew it had been a long time since the Red Sox won the World Series, but when they fell behind to the Indians, I could finally feel it. Even though I was a “new” fan, I felt the indignation just like everyone else. When the fuck are we going to win this thing?

The Red Sox righted the ship and won the next two games, resulting in a decisive game five in Cleveland. To that time, the best moment I had ever seen as a fan occurred, when Pedro Martinez came out of the bullpen in the midst of a tie game and shut Cleveland down the rest of the way to ensure a berth in the ALCS. Due to the miraculous comeback against the Indians, morale was high and people in Boston actually thought that we might beat our hated rivals, the Yankees, to get to the World Series.

Of course, it didn’t play out that way. The Yankees took the first two games at home, and then dropped game three to the Sox and the unstoppable Martinez. Game four was a must-win for the Red Sox, and New York led 3-2 heading into the bottom of the eighth. Jose Offerman struck a one-out single to center for the Sox, and John Valentin followed by grounding into a double play, 2nd base to 1st. Except that Yankees second baseman Chuck Knoblauch never actually tagged Jose Offerman on his way to 2nd base, the umpire just thought he did, and this play resulted in the end of the inning. Predictably, the Yankees scored six times in the top of the ninth to take the game and essentially the series.

This game marked the first time I was legitimately pissed off at a sporting event and the first time I felt hatred towards the Yankees. That the Sox would go through three years of an underachieving malaise after this only made the memories of this game that much more frustrating.

#4) New England Patriots at Indianapolis Colts – 2006 AFC Championship Game – January 21, 2007

Since the emergence of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady as a superstar in 2001, he and the Patriots always had found a way to beat Indianapolis and their leader, Peyton Manning. The Patriots beat the Colts in Foxboro in the AFC Championship game in 2003 and again in the AFC Divisional playoffs in 2004. Even though this game was being played in Indianapolis, and even though it admittedly looked like a giant mismatch favoring the Colts headed in, spirits remained high. After all, this is Peyton Manning! He’s never going to beat us!

The Patriots gave us good reason to be optimistic, opening up a 21-6 halftime lead. Manning had always seemed shaky in big games and always blew it at the exact moment where his team needed him. There wasn’t much concern that he’d come back.

But we happened to forget that Peyton Manning is still really, really good, and maybe he was tired of hearing about how he couldn’t win the big one. The Colts started the second half with an immediate touchdown, then forced a punt and drove down the field again, tying the score on another touchdown and two-point conversion. The two teams basically traded blows from that point on, resulting in a 34-31 Patriot lead with about three minutes left on the clock for the Colts. Manning finally seized the moment, driving the Colts down the field and scoring the decisive touchdown on a three-yard run by running back Joseph Addai. The Colts hung on to win the game, 38-34.

The Patriots lost some of their championship luster the previous year in their playoff loss to Denver, but this was completely unexpected. The Patriots historically owned Manning and the Colts. They never blew halftime leads, especially one of more than two scores. They never lost playoff games like this, period. This game legitimized Peyton Manning and led to endless “Brady or Manning” debates. The Patriots also would have almost certainly defeated the Bears in the Super Bowl, which would have tied the Steelers for winning that title in four out of six seasons.

#3) New England Patriots at Denver Broncos – 2005 AFC Divisional playoffs – January 14, 2006

Yeah, I rate this higher than the game against the Colts. Though the Colts game was against a legitimate rival and on a grander stage, this game against Denver was the first time that Tom Brady and the Patriots looked human. Before this game, the Patriots had never lost under Brady’s command, and here they were, playing like shit and getting shellacked by Jake Plummer. Before this game, the Patriots were the invincible champions of the NFL, never to be dethroned and never to lose a big playoff game. This game showed that Brady and the Pats could be beaten in the playoffs, and in a way, set the tone for the loss to Indianapolis the following year.

The Patriots certainly deserved to lose this game from the get-go. They were sloppy, they couldn’t drive the ball, they were behind, and things were not going their way. But the Patriots always had some way of pulling out a miracle, and I had no doubt at the time that they would do it again. The Pats were down 10-6 with under a minute to go in the third, but they were driving into Denver territory. I remember actually thinking, “Here we go. Tom will make something happen. He always does.” The Patriots drove to Denver’s 5, and then…catastrophe. Champ Bailey jumped in front of a Tom Brady pass and returned it 101 yards to the Patriots one-yard line, setting up an immediate Denver touchdown and essentially losing the game. It was one of those moments, legitimately shocking to me. Did that really happen?

This game is already often forgotten about when discussing brutal sports losses, but to me, the way this game completely shattered the aura of invincibility that had surrounded the Patriots made it particularly painful.

#2) New England Patriots vs. New York Giants – Super Bowl XLII – February 3, 2008

The Patriots’ Super Bowl loss to the Giants caused a different kind of anguish for me. I didn’t go into a rage or anything like that; I had since realized that losing my mind about a bunch of millionaires mixing it up on the field really didn’t make a whole lot of sense. This game was about the loss of an opportunity; a chance for the team I loved to do something that had never been done before and most likely will never happen again. That Tom Brady and the Patriots, whom I still believed would win their big games despite the recent evidence I cited above, would cough up that opportunity made the loss even harder to swallow.

We all know the back story. 18-0, a shot at the first perfect season since those petulant shitheads, the 1972 Dolphins, completed the feat when teams were still wearing leather helmets. The Spygate scandal had broken loose during the season as well, calling into question all of the success the Patriots had under coach Bill Belichick and causing the Patriots to be the most hated team in professional sports. This was a chance to shove it up everyone’s ass; the Patriots are the best team in the history of football and it will always be that way.

Then, they lost. They lost in heartbreaking fashion, but it really wasn’t the way they lost that hurt. It’s that we still have to watch Don Shula drink champagne from his wheelchair every time the last undefeated team loses. It’s seeing the “16-0: Perfect Regular Season” banner at Gillette Stadium and realizing what came after it. It’s seeing Gatorade commercials featuring the fateful catch from late in the game. I didn’t throw anything or lose my cool when they lost, but I realized what the Patriots had squandered and how they’d probably never get that chance again.

#1) Boston Red Sox at New York Yankees – 2003 American League Championship Series (Game Seven) – October 16, 2003

Undoubtedly the worst moment I’ve experienced as a fan of Boston sports was Aaron Boone’s home run to seal the 2003 American League Championship Series for the Yankees. It’s impossible to convey all of the emotions that went into that one moment and describe the incredibly divided atmosphere at Providence College during this series. The whole event was almost surreal, and I suppose the only way the series could have ended was in a surreal way, as well.

Rather than go through back story or build up the story, I’ll share what I immediately did as soon as the Red Sox lost this game (please note that I’m not proud of this, and I fully admit that at this point sports meant a little too much to me):

- Ran out of my dorm room screaming obscenities, eventually going into the adjacent hallway (I had to avoid my screaming Yankee-fan roommate; a good guy, but why I decided to watch the game with him I’ll never know)

- Threw the half-full water bottle as hard as I could at the door that led to the common area, cracking it and causing water to fly everywhere.

- Entered the laundry room, where I found myself kicking the washers and dryers as hard as I possibly could.

- Went back into the common room, where I kicked the soda machine as hard as I could, legitimately trying to break it because I was in such a blind rage (amazingly, it didn’t break. Those things are pretty strong).

- Punched through a plate-glass covering of a bulletin board in the common area, causing glass to fly everywhere. Very, very stupid, and lucky I didn’t seriously hurt myself. Only a few minor cuts but visible bleeding.

- Stumbled outside, where Yankee fans were gathered on the quad celebrating and screaming and yelling. Quickly walked away from that scene and fumbled around in a daze, looking for anyone who could give me a cigarette.

- Stayed outside in a secluded area thinking about the game for a few hours.

- Found another dejected Sox fan who shared some smokes with me as we discussed our frustrations.

- Stayed up all night, unable to sleep.

So yeah. Again, I’m actually rather ashamed of this behavior, because, to tell the truth, my rage about the Patriots loss in the Super Bowl subsided after about a half an hour. This game was just different. We had never won. After this, I was certain we never would win. So much went into Red Sox/Yankees; I invested so much of myself into a damn baseball game that I had no rational way of expressing my disappointment once it ended. The subsequent success of the Red Sox and our other teams has cooled my emotions and, I feel, the emotions of most Boston fans, which is a good thing, because I never want to experience this again.

John Lacey

Baroness - Blue Record

Baroness
Blue Record
2009 Relapse

The fine folks at MetalSucks.net had been really hyping up the release of this album for weeks before its release, and they’re usually pretty reliable on their reviews and opinions, so I thought I’d investigate. I had only heard a couple of pieces of songs from Baroness’ debut, Red Album, and I heard a band influenced a lot by Mastodon/Neurosis/Isis, but also with a twist of alternative and indie rock influences not really present in those bands’ sounds. They weren’t the most original band I’d ever heard, but I didn’t dislike what I heard, either. On this, their new album, they’ve definitely found a signature “Baroness sound,” and it sounds fucking incredible.

The fine folks at Relapse allowed the band to stream this album in its entirety on their MySpace a few weeks prior to its release. I gave the album a listen and immediately played the whole thing again when I was done, I was that impressed. The musicianship is tight and innovative, but not overbearing or masturbatory in any way. These guys have chops, but they are most impressive when settling into a groove as a full unit. The album opens with the instrumental “Bullhead’s Psalm,” featuring a guitar melody that will be repeated a couple of times throughout the record, giving it a real album feel. This record is meant to be listened to from beginning to end, but the songs are also strong enough to stand out on their own.

Proper opener “The Sweetest Curse” opens with the most metallic riff the band has ever laid down, and at first it sounds a little Mastodon-ish, especially with the harsh vocals during the first verse. As the song opens up into more melodic passages, however, it’s evident that Baroness is an entirely different creature (pardon the pun). Around the 1:39 mark, the song gets into more groovy rock territory, not entirely unlike Kyuss, before some great guitar harmonies really bring things home. Having gone back and gotten into the band’s Red Album in recent weeks, it’s clear how much better developed the songs on Blue Record are. Red Album featured a lot of songs with numerous parts and riffs that sometimes only contained one real verse, whereas Blue has well-structured, composed songs that have musical and even vocal hooks. “Jake Leg” features a lot of twangy, southern rock-inspired riffing, and is far more rock-and-roll than metal, but it works greatly. It’s also worth noting that the production job by John Congleton really shines through with the use of loud/soft dynamics found at points throughout the song. He knows how to capture the band at full rock-out mode, but also in the quieter, more introspective parts.

On the quieter note, “Steel That Sleeps the Eye” sounds like something out of a 60’s folk record, with descending, overdubbed vocal harmonies over acoustic guitars, before eerie piano and electric guitar slowly build to a crescendo that leads into the stellar “Swollen and Halo.” Repeating some musical and vocal hooks from “Steel…,” “Swollen and Halo” is balls-out, heavy rock, full of awesome catchy riffs. The instrumental interlude “Ogeechee Hymnal” follows, repeating the “Bullhead” theme from the intro, this time sounding a little more distorted and heavy. This leads into what I think is the best song on the album, “A Horse Called Golgotha.”

Twangy stop-start riffs open up “Horse…” before the drums explode into a shuffling, heavy groove emphasized by some Thin Lizzy/Iron Maiden-esque dual guitar harmonies. The chorus from this song was stuck in my head for days, and this song just cements the fact that Baroness have 100% their own sound. Drummer Alan Bickle really shines on this song, pounding the drums on the choruses, but laying down an almost disco-esque beat during the verses. The song opens up into more proggy, experimental territory in the middle section after the solo, but absolutely crushes at 4:25 in. An absolutely fantastic song in all aspects. “O’er Hell and Hide” opens with some great acoustic guitar, before turning into a moody rock shuffle with odd, disorienting spoken word passages sprinkled throughout.

“War, Wisdom and Rhyme” has an almost oldschool metal feel to it, with some solid riffing and a heavy, stomping rhythm. The part at 3:41is an all-out guitar dual that sounds like it could have come from Iron Maiden’s Killers. Probably the second heaviest song on the album, this is another winner in an album that really doesn’t miss. “Blackpowder Orchard” sounds like it could’ve been recorded in the backwoods of Deliverance, with some finger-picked acoustics and major key electric guitar harmonies throughout. Some people think interludes like this are throwaway tracks, but I think it brings a cohesion and flow to the album that makes it feel like more than just a collection of (awesome) songs.

“The Gnashing” echoes a riff from Red Album’s “Grad,” only a little more upbeat and melodic here. This song has an urgent, frantic pace to it once the vocals kick in, and it’s another heavy riff rocker. John Baizley sounds incredibly powerful yet vulnerable throughout, lending an almost melancholic feel. The album closes, yet again, with the “Bullhead” theme, this one titled “Bullhead’s Lament.” The guitar harmonies in this one recall the middle section of Metallica’s “Orion,” and it’s a perfect way to end a near-perfect album.

I’m normally not into the quasi-metal, quasi-rock, quasi-indie stuff, but this album is heavy enough, rocking enough, and not nearly as pretentious as a lot of stuff that gets labeled as “hipster metal” (which is a stupid term to begin with, but I won’t even get started on that). I almost avoided this simply because of the hype and positive reviews I’d been seeing everywhere, but I’m very happy that I didn’t. This is a band that has really come into their own, and this album is highly recommended for anybody who wants to hear a truly original, truly powerful rock band.

(Side note: I recommend buying the deluxe edition CD, which comes with a second disc, a live set from 2008, and you can get a much better look at frontman/guitarist John Baizley’s incredible album artwork as well.)

A

Matt Steele

Let's Talk Turkey! #1

Welcome to a new feature on the Musicarium, "Let's Talk Turkey!" In this column my associate Brendan Leonard and I will discuss various topics, many of which you, the reader, will have no interest in! Ready? Let's Talk Turkey!

John's Expository Question: Why do you think that the NL is a better brand of baseball than the AL, despite the presence in the batting lineup of players who are incapable of hitting the baseball?

Brendan's Initial Response: Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. I bet you like The Phantom Menace more than Empire? Do you find yourself longing for the official death of the compact disc, as to give way to the convenience of the MP3? I am sure you prefer "Coke Zero" over "Coke-a-Cola?" Not me my friend, I prefer the real thing. A game where the nine men posted on the lineup card are expected to play the field and hit the ball, you know, play baseball.

I don't mind the AL, or the DH, for that matter. What does get me fired up is when AL snobs thumb their collective noses at the NL. They dismiss it as "boring" or "a second tier league." While there's certainly more offense in the AL (thus making it harder to pitch in that league) the NL offers more strategy, more surprise, and more athleticism. One of my favorite moments as a Chicago Cubs fan is when Pitcher and badass Kerry Wood belted a 3 run homer to tie game 7 of the 2003 NLCS. I won't go into how that one ended, but it's moments like that that make the game unpredictable and fun to watch.

Sure, 9 out of 10 times pitchers are nothing more than a time consuming out, but every once and a while something spectacular happens. Pitchers' batting also allows for more under-arching story lines to develop, often times lost on the Sportscenter/Deadspin bred "sports" fans. Hypothetical: it's game 7 of the NLCS, it's 1-1 in the 7th inning. Your pitcher is lights out, but is at bat with 2 outs and a man on 2nd. What does the manager do? I love these moments, the game within the game, the decisions that can make or break a season. This only happens in the NL. In the AL, it's easier and more black and white, all a manager needs to worry about is when to pull a pitcher when he's struggling, which is pretty obvious most of the time. If he's in trouble, yank him, or pull a Grady Little.

So Jackie, other than being a Red Sox fan, why would you prefer the AL? I would suggest you're yet another victim of the "Sportscenter-ization" of the American sports fan.

John's Rebuttal:

Well, it's true that I grew up a Red Sox fan and an AL guy, as you grew up a Cubs/NL guy. So obviously we're predestined to feel the way we do on the subject. But you said it yourself; "sure 9 out of 10 times pitchers are nothing more than a time consuming out". Why do I want to watch that? The one time out of ten the pitcher manages a seeing-eye single doesn't completely discount the 90% out rate. It's boring and illogical. There's a man taking up one of the precious nine spots in the batting order, that for all intents and purposes, cannot hit.

The strategy aspect you mention rings hollow, too. Is it really riveting, edge of your seat stuff for a manager to call for the pitcher to lay down a sacrifice? I feel like National League fans act as if the double switch is brain surgery that only "their managers" can comprehend. It's pretty fucking easy to follow, and I don't think AL managers are/would be dumbfounded by the concept. And AL fans aren't lunkheaded morons who just love to see moon shots and nothing more; we appreciate the game just as much as NL fans. Just because the NL has been around slightly longer and because there's more "strategy" involved doesn't automatically make that league somehow superior.

I prefer the AL because it's more difficult and because it's a true test of a baseball player. If a player succeeds in the AL, chances are they can succeed anywhere in the league. The reverse of that is not necessarily true. We see it all the time. Pitchers the caliber of Greg Maddux (taking nothing away from him) used to say they'd never pitch in the AL. Pitchers like Brad Penny and John Smoltz, with proven pedigrees and track records, haven't been able to hack it in the AL. Middling pitchers like Jeff Suppan and Jeff Weaver have struggled mightily in the AL and then turned into 1968 Bob Gibson in the National League. It's simply tougher to play in the AL; the pitching's better, the hitting's better, the lights are brighter, and the pressure is up. Is that not true?

Brendan's Counterpoint:

First off, let me tell a quick story. About a year ago I got a phone call from you while you were playing a baseball game for PlayStation 3, and the purpose of the call was to ask me how to effectively pull off a double switch. I explained it, and you executed it. While I agree it's far from brain surgery, you still didn't know how to do it, thus making your "AL fans aren't lunkheaded morons who just love to see moon shots and nothing more" comment a tad off base, but I digress.

I agree with you, it's certainly harder to play in the AL, and that is solely because of the DH. Not only because the pitcher doesn't have to bat, but also because the DH frees up lineup spots for potential free agents or trade acquisitions. Take your beloved Red Sox, for example; there are rumors that they're going to go after Padres first base masher Adrian Gonzalez this offseason. They are doing this despite the fact that they already have two capable first baseman. If they were to get Adrian Gonzalez, they'd move "The Greek God of Walks" to third, and Cool Uncle Mike Lowell and David "I'm too out of shape to play the field" Ortiz would share DH duty.

Essentially they don't have to get rid of anyone of purpose to gain someone of purpose. Sure, some players will get less playing time, but they still will have tremendous depth in case of injury. Now take my Cubs; they simply can't get Gonzalez without getting rid of Derrek Lee. I am aware that he's less versatile than Youk, but for argument's sake let's say he can play third. If you move him to third, then Aramis Ramirez is out of the lineup, and more likely off the team. I am aware of your argument about high priced players not wanting to DH, but what if they're acquired from a trade? Look no further than Victor Martinez last year, you got him (a capable catcher/1B) and you didn't have to get rid of any of your normal starters or change your lineup drastically. The DH allows you to do so, a luxury that doesn't exist in the NL.

So while you say it's harder to "play" in the AL, and I agree with you, keep in mind that the rules of the league allow teams to build deeper/more talented teams than the NL. Now you could argue that this makes for a better brand of baseball because of these stacked teams, but I find it pretty sterile and expensively cheap. It's probably why 5 of the top 6 payrolls in the Major Leagues belong to AL teams (the Mets are the lone NL team in the group - a fact that makes me chuckle). Call me old fashioned but I still love the games within the game of baseball. Subtle nuance and tradition is still alive and well in the NL, the same cannot be said (to a degree) about the AL. Again, I am of the ilk that if you are expected to field you should be expected to hit. But god forbid Chien-Ming Wang be forced to run the bases.

"I just think it's time the NL joined the 21st century... Truthfully NL owners should be concerned with it, even with the practice their pitchers get doing it. You don't need to lose your best pitcher. The pitcher has enough work to do. It's something Bud (Selig) needs to address and he needs to address it soon. Don't give me that traditionalist crap."

- Yankees Owner/AL Buffoon Hank Steinbrenner's reaction to starting Pitcher Chien-Ming Wang hurting himself running from third to home.

John's Response:

First, I want to say that your story is true, but in a way is proves my point. I'm an AL guy, and though I've obviously watched NL games in my lifetime, I wasn't fully aware how to perform a double switch. I asked you, you told me how to do it, and I immediately executed it successfully. So, as I said in my original point, it really isn't hard to do. NL managers and NL fans shouldn't be lauded as smarter baseball people because they have different rules that any baseball fans can pick up right away.

Your points about the AL as compared to the NL are moot points, as well. I agree with them in theory; I can't argue that the AL teams have more flexibility to make moves than NL teams. But all NL teams are operating under the same set of rules and restrictions, as are AL teams. NL teams are competing against each other based on those same decision-making principles; they're not at an inherent disadvantage against each other, which is really all that matters. AL teams can add another bat if they have the resources; as you mentioned, the Red Sox are looking at adding Adrian Gonzalez and having Ortiz and Lowell split DH time. But players that play the field are always more valuable than those that can't, and without the DH the AL teams would simply drop the old, broken down hitters the way NL teams have to. I think that you overstate the importance of this roster spot; AL teams aren't going to bring a marquee player in to play DH, they simply shuffle an older guy or a "professional hitter" to that spot. In any case, the fact that each league operates under the same principles makes this argument not really matter.

You also write, "Call me old fashioned but I still love the games within the game of baseball. Subtle nuance and tradition is still alive and well in the NL, the same cannot be said (to a degree) about the AL". But at what point does the "new" rule become tradition itself? The DH has been in place in the AL since 1973; that's a pretty long fucking time. It was ten years before either of us were born, and it's now an important part of baseball in itself. Just because something existed a certain way before the DH doesn't automatically mean the DH is stupid. I'd like to think that 36 years with the rule would be long enough for it to be considered tradition in and of itself.

Additionally, it's not fair for you to quote Hank Steinbrenner as if he speaks for anyone with half a brain, let alone me. As Homer Simpson's hippie associates once said, "This man does not represent us."

Brendan's Final Thoughts:

When I was watching game 4 of the World Series last night, a series in which I have little emotional investment, I found myself screaming at the TV during one particular at bat. Pitcher C(arsten) C(harles) Sabathia was up with runners on 1st and 2nd with nobody out. This was an obvious bunting situation. CC showed bunt right away and waived his bat as if he was trying to execute a billiards trick-shot at the first pitch. Eventually he struck out with a similarly dismal bunt attempt. I said to my friend, "If that was Greg Maddux (longtime NL pitcher/badass), those runners would be at 2nd and 3rd right now." The point of this story is not how AL pitchers can't bunt, we know this, the point is that I really do like the fact that the two leagues are so different because of that one simple rule.

Admittedly, if I were a White Sox fan I am sure I would prefer the American League, but my choice of allegiance to a team is the foundation for my allegiance to the NL. It's what I know, what I am used to, and what I am, in a weird way, proud of. But the fact that there are different rules for these two leagues makes baseball more interesting as a whole. The scenario I described earlier is microcosm of how the little things in the World Series, the battle of the NL's best versus the AL's best, can be captivating. Especially since the emergence of interleague play, I am glad there are still things that differentiate the two leagues. I like seeing the career path of AL lifer vets (i.e. Johnny Damon) vs. NL lifer vets (i.e. the Captivating Craig Counsell). I like when AL headhunters (Roger Clemens) are forced to bat, and face teams that may have a score to settle. And most of all, Jackie my boy, the dichotomy of these two cherished leagues just gives us another thing to argue about. For that, I am very grateful.

Brendan Leonard/John Lacey

The Dailies 10/28/09: Corporations, MAN!

Trailerz

Diamonds Are Forever (1971) – Dir: Guy Hamilton. Principals: Sean Connery, Jill St. John, Charles Gray

Diamonds Are Forever is a customarily fun, goofy James Bond romp, but unfortunately this installment is probably the poorest that Sean Connery appeared in (save his unofficial remake of Thunderball, Never Say Never Again). The plot isn’t as sharp as the earlier films, there isn’t as much excitement, and certain scenes are downright ludicrous. In one scene, James Bond commandeers a moon rover (top speed: 15 MPH) and manages to outrun a team of assassins outfitted with ATV’s and motorcycles. Bond movies are often ridiculous, but we’re forgiving of that for the most part because James Bond is such a great character and because we come to expect craziness in these films. It takes something truly baffling to stand out in a negative way in a Bond film.

I don’t watch Bond movies for psychologically driven realistic action, but I do like to have at least a tenuous grasp of the plot to put the explosions and car chases in the right context. I had no idea what was going on in terms of the storyline while I was watching Diamonds Are Forever, and I have even less of an idea now. Bond films usually have nonsensical world domination plotlines, and I’m fully on board with that, provided I can follow them. This film tried so hard to create a zany but engaging plot that it outsmarted itself and caused everything to become a big mess.

Of course, Connery is the film’s chief asset, and he’s terrific in the role as usual. His portrayal of James Bond is as easygoing and at home as ever, and the genteel and nonchalant manner he lends to Bond is just as exciting as the explosions and ridiculousness all around him. A Bond movie starring Connery always makes for at least solid entertainment, but in the case of Diamonds Are Forever, we don’t get much more than that. C+. (Diamonds Are Forever was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Sound).

The Dirty Dozen (1967) – Dir: Robert Aldrich. Principals: Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, John Cassavetes, Robert Ryan.

The Dirty Dozen is a late 60s war/caper film starring iconic tough guy Lee Marvin, and is one of my first forays into this area. Marvin, playing main character Major Reisman, gives the film its legs, and he’s surrounded by recognizable and capable actors (Donald Sutherland, John Cassavetes, Ernest Borgnine, Robert Ryan, Charles Bronson, and even football legend Jim Brown). In the film, Marvin is tasked with training a group of soldiers, all of whom are either serving long prison sentences or have been sentenced to death. Their mission is to storm a German-controlled chateau in France (the film is set in WWII) and kill all said Germans inside. If the group cooperates and are successful, their sentences will be commuted.

The best scenes of The Dirty Dozen show Marvin interacting with the men, slowly gaining their trust, respect and confidence. They work together to play pranks on Col. Breed, (Ryan), who is trying to figure out what Marvin’s top secret mission is all about. The joy of The Dirty Dozen is watching the men go from sarcastic and sadistic one-dimensional killers to strong characters, each with a distinct personality and mannerisms. The way Marvin is then able to combine these personalities into a tight-knit combat unit is fun to watch unfold.

My issue with The Dirty Dozen is that its end result feels a bit pointless. Maybe I’m unaccustomed to “rah-rah” war films such as this, but at the end, the group blows the shit out of some Germans and a number of them die. There’s no emotional denouement; in fact, watching what had essentially been lighthearted fare for two hours to that point made the film’s ending odd and unsatisfying. C+. (The Dirty Dozen won an Academy Award for Best Sound Effects, and was also nominated for Supporting Actor (Cassavetes), Film Editing and Sound).

Feature Presentation

The Corporation (2003)
Directors: Mark Achbar & Jennifer Abbott
Featuring: Michael Moore, Noam Chomsky, Milton Friedman, Ray Anderson, countless other talking heads

If you want to watch a film that will provide you with a comprehensive source of ammunition against the biggest corporations in the United States and across the world, The Corporation is for you. This documentary cites countless specific examples of corporations engaging in various illegal and immoral practices; animal cruelty, support of despotic and dictatorial regimes, financial fraud, layoffs. You name it, and The Corporation covers it.

The Corporation doesn’t make too many bones about what it is. Its aim is to show a viewer, who may not be aware of what’s going on in the world, what these companies are doing and essentially how they’re going to destroy humanity if we don’t intervene in some way. It fires shots at big companies (and, by extension, the capitalistic system that enables these companies to grow and thrive) and simply lays out the awful things they do. As such, The Corporation is absolutely a well-done and powerful documentary. The things corporations will do for an extra dollar, and their immorally numb mindset while committing willfully heinous acts, are truly frightening. The Corporation definitely had my blood boiling at points.

I don’t think it’s fair, however, for a film to take one side on an issue like this without offering alternatives or ideas on how we can make things better. The viewer is subjected to 2 ½ hours of disheartening footage of companies doing everything from suppressing negative news stories to creating environmental catastrophes. After such a marathon, the film needs to put forth some sort of theory as to how the people can change things and what we can do to protect ourselves. Small victories of civilians over corporations are mentioned towards the end of the film, but these feel shoehorned in and not nearly strong enough to help combat everything that came before. The Corporation is a bit too bleak for its own good.

The film would also be better if it didn’t delve into potshots and childish antics. One of its scenes begins with muted video clips of a child’s birthday, with the narrator talking about how “Happy Birthday” is a copyrighted piece owned by a corporation that charges $10,000 for films to use it. In another scene, the CEO of Goodyear Tire is talking about how layoffs are the hardest part of his job, and underneath him we see a subtitle that “Goodyear laid off 4,000 workers since 2001” or something like that. It comes off as a bush-league approach that works to undermine the film’s own point. It’s truly too bad they take this route, because the commentary of some of the CEO’s interviewed for the film provided some of the most insightful thoughts and ideas presented here.

The Corporation gets the easy part down; corporations are bad, and here’s why. It does a real good job of presenting this argument. But the hard part, and the interesting part, is: what can we really do about it?

C+

John Lacey

The Simpsons Project #8

The Simpsons Project #8 (Season 1, Episode 8)
The Telltale Head
Original airdate: 2/25/90

“The Telltale Head” is one of the most famous early episodes of The Simpsons, dealing with Bart’s response to peer pressure and his desire to be popular and fit in with the cool kids at Springfield Elementary. His struggles with self-confidence and his yearning to be more accepted at school provide the dual consequence of deepening Bart’s character exponentially and giving us one of the most relatable of all Simpsons episodes.

We open with Homer and Bart carrying the severed head of the statue of town founder Jebediah Springfield while being chased by an angry mob through the streets of Springfield. No group of people forms a better angry mob than the denizens of Springfield, who come complete with pitchforks, torches, and threats of death and dismemberment. They eventually corner the two Simpsons, and Bart pleads with them for a little time to tell the story of how they came to be in their predicament. The show begins its long run of self-aware jokes, with Bart pleading that he only needs “twenty three minutes and five seconds” to tell his story.

The episode then flashes back to a recent Sunday morning. The family is off to church, and Homer has some golden moments here; frantically watching a football game he bet $50 on and then listening to it on headphones while in church. The radio broadcast of the game matches perfectly with the mouth and body movements of Reverend Lovejoy, providing a humorous moment where Homer screams for joy out loud because the team he bet on hit a game winning field goal. The first act of “The Telltale Head” helps to establish that Homer’s constant boobery and the perennially bad example he sets for Bart build the foundation for the boy’s misbehavior.

On the drive home from church, Bart notices that the Aztec Theater is playing Space Mutants IV. Marge forbids him to see it, but Bart sneaks out and goes anyway and encounters local bullies Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney (in their first appearances). They’re the “worst” and coolest kids in school, and they invite Bart to sneak into the movie with them. Bart is conflicted because he doesn’t want to steal, but his desire to fit in causes him to join them anyway.

It’s interesting to watch the initial interactions between Bart and the bullies. Feelings between Jimbo’s gang and Bart have vacillated throughout the course of the series between mutual respect to the bullies treating Bart like any other potential victim in the school. These characters have been around so long and have been so fleshed out over 21 seasons that it’s refreshing to see the origins of their relationships and a time when some of these tertiary characters were unknown and still being developed.

The group ends up being caught and kicked out of the theater, and they take to the town square to watch passing clouds. One looks like the statue of Springfield patriarch Jebediah Springfield, only without his head attached. The bullies start talking about how funny it would be if someone did cut the statue’s head off, to which Bart objects. Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney rag on Bart for defending the town’s history and leave him behind, planting the idea in his head to cut the head of the statue to show how cool he is.

Before he acts on his impulse, Bart decides to ask Homer whether it’s really important to be popular, which was probably a bad decision. Homer, of course, says that being popular is the most important thing in the world, pushing Bart further toward vandalizing the statue.

Bart eventually goes through with the act, and everyone in town mourns. The bullies have even changed their tune, now respecting Jebediah and wishing to pummel the perpetrator. Bart’s guilt over the incident causes him to start hearing the disembodied head speaking to him, telling him to fess up and admit his wrongdoing and replace the head.

Homer is cajoled into helping Bart due to his earlier idiotic advice, and the two head downtown to replace it. We rejoin the beginning of the story at this point, and the crowd, swayed by Bart’s honesty, decides not to kill him, and instead basks in the glory of the repaired statue.

The early episodes of The Simpsons often do not contain the mind-boggling hilarity of what would come later in the series, but the stories are amazingly strong. “The Telltale Head” continues to strongly establish the characters of Homer, Bart, and Marge, while shedding some light on Homer and Marge as a parental unit and the influence they have on their son. It brings in some other players for the first time while giving lines to other secondary characters like Moe, Barney, Mr. Burns, Smithers and Krusty. Another early winner.

B+

“I can understand why they wouldn’t let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones, who live among us, who roller-skate and smoke cigars?” – Homer, upon hearing from Bart that his Sunday school teacher said apes aren’t allowed into Heaven.