Action Und Comedy #1: TJ Hooker!

Hello! Welcome to the newest feature of the Musicarium, “Action Und Comedy”! In this recurring column we’ll look at a dopey cop/crime/action show from the 70s, 80s, or 90s, dissecting its inanity and mostly making fun of it. We’ll start today with the fourth episode of William Shatner’s action-cop vehicle, TJ Hooker. The episode, entitled “Hooker’s War”, first aired in early 1982.

Since TJ Hooker episodes are an hour long, I’m splitting the column into two pieces because the column would just be too long, and lord knows I don’t want to lose the attention of you, the faithful reader. As always, feel free to leave a comment on the article.

Before we begin, I’d like to point out that I watched this episode on YouTube. Apparently, YouTube and Google have partnered to put shitty twenty-seven year old television shows on the Internet, because this was an “officially sanctioned” clip, as if people are clamoring for TJ Hooker. The annoying thing is that they actually interspersed ads into the episode, so every fifteen minutes or so an ad for the University of Phoenix interrupts the show. For something like The Office, a show people actually care about, I understand the rationale. But do you really need to splice ads into a fucking TJ Hooker episode?

Anyway, the opening credits. Classic crappy cop show. Here’s the rundown:

- Cue cheesy 80s action music.
- Shatner leaping across rooftops.
- Close-up of Shatner brandishing a gun.
- Shatner jumping onto a car.
- Another close-up of Shatner.
- His cocky Latino sidekick, Adrian Zmed!

- Shatner jumping onto a school bus.
- Token “sexy officer” April Clough.
- Token “stern police chief who wants Shatner to do things ‘by the book’” Richard Herd.

And we’re off! We open with Shatner leaving an establishment called “Gay 80s”, perhaps in a nod to his then-closeted former Star Trek co-star George Takei. Hooker and Zmed share exciting small-talk about coffee and their grandfathers, but are cut off by a speeding van barreling down the intersection. The van runs a red light, and Zmed leaps into action, checking his mirrors, proceeding into traffic carefully, and chasing down the offenders.

They pull the van over, but it speeds away, giving Shatner a chance to work in his famous car hood log roll, which looked like it was in slow motion. Did people actually buy Shatner as an action hero at the time?

The van eventually inexplicably rolls over during the pursuit, and the stereotypical brain-dead white thugs try to escape on foot. They get away. Shatner and Zmed discover, however, that the van is filled with guns. Shatner’s acting face changes from stoic to befuddled. Plotlines for these kinds of shows dictate that every van be filled with either drugs or guns. Also, the police are compelled to refer to drugs or guns as “merchandise” at all times.

We’re now introduced to the gang ringleader (I think), who looks like a cross between an Arabian sultan and Randy Savage. He’s steamed at the knuckleheads for running the red light and causing him to lose his merchandise. Meanwhile, Shatner’s old detective buddy arrives to help out with the investigation, and immediately dooms himself by talking about how he has one year left until retirement. I envision a paragraph about his death shortly. Pointless dogshit follows.

I noticed that Hooker and Zmed don’t wear seat belts, which causes me to hope for some sort of horrific accident to befall them. Unfortunately, before that can happen, they’re summoned to catch a donut shop robber. They corner the perp, and Shatner drops a classic line while trying to persuade him to drop his gun: “Being dead is as much trouble as there is.” Of course, the robber is convinced by Shatner’s idiocy that not shooting him is the right idea (again, unfortunately) and they try to use him to find out where the illegal guns are coming from.

The two cops then accost a local swarthy bookie that looks like Eugene Levy wearing a plaid three piece suit. You know the deal with these characters; “Get your hands off me, pig”, “That’s illegal search and seizure”, etc. Shatner recruits the bozo to buy him a stolen gun.

Boy, this show is awful.

A sting is then arranged and the bookie buys a gun off a guy in a Canadian tuxedo looking like Sam Elliot from Road House. One of the motifs of TJ Hooker is that criminals always run directly onto roads or pathways accessible by auto, allowing themselves to be caught. This seems like an odd strategy, considering that Bill Shatner is thoroughly out-runnable. Needless to say, they apprehend him.

And that’s half of the show! I’ll be back sometime soon to finish this baby off!

Full episode: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqZZWg2uipE

John Lacey

The Dailies 5/28/09: War 'n Shit!

Welcome back to the Dailies! Today, we take a look at films about two very different aspects of war. Before we get to today’s entries, however, I want to backpedal a bit and briefly touch upon two other movies I’ve recently seen.


I watched the following films about five to six weeks ago now and never got a chance to write about them. At this point, I forget the minutia of each film and any serious review I write will be terrible, so I thought I’d give very condensed thoughts on each.


Pan’s Labyrinth (2006, Director: Guillermo del Toro) – B. This is a good film with very nice make-up and costuming. The storyline gets muddled at points, and I really have no idea what its ending was supposed to signify. Roger Ebert recently (to my surprise) added this to his “Great Movies” pantheon, and since he knows what he’s talking about more than I do, I suppose I have to recommend it.


8 ½ (1963, Director: Federico Fellini) – A-. 8 ½ is an amazing picture. Its main character, Marcello Mastroianni, is absolutely brilliant as a director struggling with “director’s block” while trying to work on a new picture. This has been called the best movie about being a director in the history of the cinema, but that would be pigeonholing a film that is nearly impossible to classify. There are so many shades and nuances to the main character that he remains an enigma even when he’s telling the truth, and Fellini does an incredible job of “bouncing” the ensemble cast off of him and using each one to push another of Mastroianni’s buttons. Though I did love the film, a small part of me couldn’t help but think that my liking was enhanced a bit by all of the glowing reviews I had read about it beforehand, and thus the A-.



I told you that would be brief! Now let’s move on to the full reviews.

Fail-Safe (1964)
Dir: Sidney Lumet
Principle Actors: Walter Matthau, Henry Fonda, Larry Hagman, Frank Overton

Fail-Safe is a movie that perfectly resembles and reflects the coldness and inhumanity of nuclear war. It shows us, by using a perfectly plausible scenario, how reliance on machines to perform our duties and make our decisions can easily backfire and throw humanity into chaos. It also attacks man’s propensity towards paranoia, greed, and dominance, and how these emotions dilute what is truly important. It’s a dark and scary film, well acted and well directed.

The film takes place in bunkers, cockpits and dimly lit boardrooms. We begin with General Bogan (Frank Overton) showing off America’s newest defense system to a couple of domestic diplomats; every threat in the world is shown on a giant screen with the help of satellites and cameras. The system is meant to monitor Russian activity in case of a potential strike on American targets. A possible attack registers in the system, and American bombers scramble to their designated positions.

The threat turns out to be a jet airliner flying at a low altitude, but malfunctions cause one of the bomber squadrons to set off on an attack mission to Moscow. The remainder of the film follows Bogan and others deliberating what to do, how to stop the bombers, and trying to shoulder the pressure of the potentially catastrophic world event.

Henry Fonda is rapidly becoming one of my favorite actors. Here, he portrays the President of the United States, a role he handled so well that several actually called for him to run for the office after this movie was released. Fonda is perfect as the president. He’s stern and forceful, but he’s compassionate and he understands the tremendous stress that General Bogan and the others are under. He is flanked at all times by his Russian interpreter, a young Larry Hagman (who would go on to great success as Dallas’ “J.R.”). Hagman becomes the voice of the Russian premier, and some of the best scenes in the film are of Hagman and Fonda both huddled around the same telephone, trying to save the world from destruction. Hagman’s attempt at keeping his cool conflict with both his own nervousness and the shocked disbelief of the Russian premier, the man whom he is interpreting.

There is no real life in Fail-Safe. Everything is dark and gray. All of the action is performed on giant, inhuman screens and in the minds of the participants. This works especially well; the screen looks like an Atari game on which the fate of the world rests. The men fixate, relying on a computer graphic to tell them what’s going to happen with their planet.

Lumet indicts our (at the time) never ending worry about Russia and our ensuing reliance on machines and technology to fight our wars for us. The whole situation is brought about by a hardware malfunction in the first place, and the human obedience to machines and their directives remains uncompromised until it’s far too late. Fonda attempts to reach the lead bomber pilot by phone, and the pilot refuses to listen, having been taught that the Russians have the capability to emulate the President’s voice. Later, he ignores the hysterical pleas of his own wife in order to carry out his ill-received objectives. Fonda and the Russian premier both understand that they have ignored the human aspect of war; in the race to one-up each other technologically, they’ve both ensured the world’s destruction.

The ending of Fail-Safe is haunting. Fonda makes a decision I hope no president ever has to make in real life. The way he finds out that he has to make this decision is more haunting than the decision itself. A truly fine film.

A-

Rescue Dawn (2006)
Dir: Werner Herzog
Principle Actors: Christian Bale, Steve Zahn, Jeremy Davies

In my review of Werner Herzog’s The White Diamond, I wrote a bit of how much adoration and respect I have for his work. Werner Herzog’s films are unlike anything I’ve ever seen, and each film of his I haven’t seen before is like an event for me. Though Rescue Dawn was released after I became a Herzog aficionado, I didn’t make it to the theater to see it. I was quite curious to see how Herzog worked with a big-time actor in a relatively mainstream picture.

Because Herzog directed Rescue Dawn, I may have unfairly held it to a higher standard than I would if someone like McG directed it. Herzog’s films have such a unique style that it was a bit of a surprise, and perhaps a disappointment, to see a rather straightforward movie from him, regardless of the subject matter.

Rescue Dawn is a movie with two distinct halves. The first half involves the crash landing and capture of American pilot Dieter Dengler (Bale), shot down over Laotian land during the Vietnam War. Dengler is transferred by his original captors to a small POW camp somewhere in the jungles of Laos that houses five other prisoners. The rest of the “first half” of the film follows Dengler’s developing friendships with the other captives and their attempts to devise an escape plan together.

We get nice performances from the captives. Jeremy Davies plays Gene, a prisoner of 2 ½ years who has convinced himself of the delusion that the Americans are coming to rescue them any day now. He’s so sure of this that he’s willing to compromise any escape plan Dengler and the others come up with. Steve Zahn plays Duane, who quickly becomes Dieter’s best friend in the camp. Zahn walks with a weary shuffle but glares with wild eyes; his attempt at maintaining hope for escape and anger at the enemy despite his growing physical handicaps. Zahn is a bit out of place here, but the material doesn’t require him to do all that much and he handles the role nicely.

A major problem with Rescue Dawn is the Laotian captors. They aren’t menacing and they aren’t believable as a real threat to the prisoners. Dengler is put through some minor torture (getting his head dunked into water, being tied to the ground in the town square), but he and the prisoners never seem like they’re in imminent danger. The prisoners have nicknames for the captors, and one is a midget named Jumbo who sneaks extra rice and toothpaste to them when the other guards aren’t looking. Compare this to The Deer Hunter, which drops us into one of the most frightening POW scenes in cinema history. The Deer Hunter was instantly effective due to the frightfulness of the enemy and the danger posed to the main characters. The cartoon character guards in Rescue Dawn served to lessen Dieter’s ordeal, rather than enhance it.

The “second half” of the film involves the escape of the prisoners and their trek through the jungle in search of rescue. I don’t think there’s a better director at filming in the jungle than Herzog, and he handles these scenes perfectly. Dieter and Duane end up on their own, and their friendship and struggles with an unfamiliar terrain and impossible odds is incredibly effective. Herzog shows the jungle as an even more formidable enemy than the Viet Cong, and their attempts to survive despite both are truly captivating.

Though Rescue Dawn doesn’t represent “classic Herzog”, it’s a great experience with strong performances and a tremendous second half and ending. Recommended.

B

John Lacey

The Simpsons Project #6

The Simpsons Project #6 (Season 1, Episode 6)
Moaning Lisa
Original airdate: 2/11/90

Lisa-based episodes of The Simpsons often elicit groans and jeers from the show’s fans. Where Homer is a dim-witted moron prone to overeating and overreacting and Bart is an underachieving smart-ass hellion, Lisa is a bright girl who is constantly hemmed in by the never-ending lunacy of Springfield. Whether her family is suffocating her or she’s being patronized by the idiots who live in the town, Lisa is constantly yearning for something more, even at the tender age of eight. Because of her character, it’s inherently a lot more fun to watch Homer and Bart get into mischief or to follow the other townspeople on their wacky misadventures. Lisa is often just as misunderstood or ignored by the viewers as she is by the townsfolk.

Lisa’s struggle to balance her superior intellect and her desire for more than Springfield, however, intersect wonderfully with the other denizens of the town in numerous episodes. In one of my favorite episodes of the show, “Lisa the Vegetarian”, Lisa becomes, well, a vegetarian, and impulsively ruins her father’s neighborhood barbecue. In “Lisa the Iconoclast”, Lisa works to expose the myth of town founder Jebediah Springfield in the face of the disbelieving and closed-eared citizens. Lisa’s stern head and clear thinking amidst the simple-minded people of Springfield can be played for big laughs, but it can also devolve into sappy sentimentality and lesson-learning, which in turn creates the backlash against “her” episodes.

Whichever side of the fence you’re on, the tradition got its start with today’s entry, “Moaning Lisa”. We’ve already seen episodes that explore the psyches of Homer, Bart, Marge and the family at large, and it’s fitting that we get an episode devoted entirely to the middle child of the Simpson family.

The episode begins with Lisa immediately miserable. She awakens to find that Marge has only made two cupcakes, and she relents to Bart and Homer, saying something about true happiness not being found in a cupcake. Later, she attempts to express herself in music class, playing a soulful solo on her saxophone during “My Country ‘Tis of Thee”, and is immediately stifled by Mr. Largo. Lisa has no way to vent her thoughts and creativity; no one takes her seriously or pays attention to her because she’s just a kid.

Lisa becomes an outcast at school because she’s unable to “go with the flow”, but her home grants no relief either. Homer constantly tells her to stop playing her saxophone in the house and Marge initially refuses to understand her situation. Of course, Bart has little sympathy for her either, constantly trying to make her life worse in any way he can.

At her wits end, Lisa hears a saxophone in the distance from her room. It beckons to her, and she feels compelled to follow the noise to its source. She goes all the way across town (through what appears to be an early shot of Bumtown or Junkieville), eventually finding Bleeding Gums Murphy, a local jazz musician. Bleeding Gums is not a complicated man (few with that nickname are), but he understands Lisa’s problems. The two play their saxophones together and Lisa immediately feels a little better about her situation. Finding someone who shares her world outlook and who is willing to listen to her is a big relief to Lisa, and she begins to turn things around.

In the meantime, Bart has some hilarious moments. He tries to cheer up Lisa (at Marge’s behest) by prank calling Moe. This episode’s non-de-plume: “Jacques Strap”. It doesn’t get a laugh out of Lisa, but I got a chuckle out of it.

Bart and Homer also steal the show with a hilarious subplot involving video boxing. Bart constantly destroys Homer in the game, so Homer goes to the local arcade to learn from a local boy who has never lost. Homer goes down in defeat, but learns enough strategy to give Bart a run for his money. The game is clearly a take on Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!! for the NES, and it’s actually very faithfully portrayed. Even the music sounds the same.

Meanwhile, Lisa is given some truly awful and irresponsible advice from Marge, who tells her to repress her true feelings because it’s “what’s on the outside that counts”. Though she immediately recants, it is odd to see Marge as such a poor parent at any moment, especially in the early seasons. With Marge realizing the error of her ways, however, Lisa is happy that one of her parents finally understands what she’s going through. She feels empowered by the support, and works to feel better and find a purpose in her life. The family goes together to see Bleeding Gums Murphy perform in concert at the episode’s conclusion.

This is a pretty famous episode. It really isn’t very funny, so I can’t go with a high grade, but it does have a few good gags and sets the tone for the Lisa character right away. Bart and Homer provide nice comic relief, but the episode works best as a set-up for Lisa, and built the foundation for a character still questioning the purpose of it all, twenty years later.

B-

John Lacey

"(Responding to Lisa saying he wouldn't understand her problems) Sure I would, princess. I have feelings, too. You know, like (whiny) 'My stomach hurts', or (worried) 'I'm going crazy!'" - Homer Simpson

Bob Dylan - Together Through Life

Bob Dylan
Together Through Life
2009 Columbia

A lot has been made of Bob Dylan’s already gravelly voice and its continuing degeneration. Despite Dylan’s recent rejuvenation, beginning with 1997’s Time Out Of Mind and continuing through this record, the one thing I keep hearing about from friends and colleagues who have heard Dylan’s recent work on tape or in concert is how awful his voice sounds. I can’t fully disagree with their sentiments, but I think a bigger transformation is occurring in Dylan’s music, and his 50-years-of-cigarettes addled voice fits perfectly with his new sound.

Together Through Life is a blues-oriented record, one that works very well because Dylan is very believable playing the old blues man who has seen it all. Dylan has dabbled in nearly every genre of music, from rock to country to folk to gospel, and there’s no doubt he’s had some practice playing the blues. But these songs work because of Dylan’s aura; Dylan truly has seen it all, and since this is a Bob Dylan record, we have no reason not to listen intently to what he has to say. His voice may be hobbled, but it’s perfect for sorrowful, regretful blues songs, and Together Through Life benefits greatly because of it.

Dylan is very reflective and contemplative on the record. On the second track, “Life is Hard”, Dylan sings; “I’m always on my guard / Admitting life is hard / Without you near me”. The lyrics are bittersweet, because where once Bob Dylan was the quintessential never look back, ever-changing person, these tracks find him longing for lost loves and lost memories. It’s not entirely new from Dylan (we’ve been seeing it more and more from him as he ages), but it’s pleasant and oddly affirming to know someone as forward-thinking as Bob Dylan looks back on things from time to time. It provides a human touch that, oddly enough, is sometimes lacking from his classic albums.

The bluesy, boozy tracks continue with “My Wife’s Home Town” and dominate much of the record. The songs are very simple and straightforward, yet strong and direct. Notes and sounds aren’t wasted; nooks and crannies aren’t delved into. There’s not a lot happening under the surface of Together Through Life, but I don’t think that’s the point of the record, either. It’s very stripped down, but very honest, and Dylan shines as the aging, wise storyteller sharing these tales.

At points, things sag a bit. “Forgetful Heart” doesn’t do much to distinguish itself from what came before it, and though songs like “Jolene” and “If You Ever Go to Houston” are nice toe-tappers, they’re not very memorable either. The album never strays too far from its blues center, but occasionally provides a surprise, like on “This Dream of You”, which would sound more at home being sung by a portly crooner at an Italian restaurant. “Shake Shake Mama” follows, which nicely comes out of left field and provides a little tempo for the back side of the record.

Something Dylan has learned to do nicely in his later years is the sunny love song, done wonderfully with “Spirit on the Water” on Modern Times (2006) and done well again here with “I Feel a Change Comin’ On”. These songs are a nice by-product of a more reflective Bob Dylan, and their creation is a direct result of years of experience and heartache with the fairer sex. This provides one of the albums few standouts and is possibly the best song on the record.

Together Through Life is traditional, and there are few standouts, but taken as a whole it is another solid effort from a man who continues to build on his unparalleled resume. There’s a lot of vitality here; Dylan may be older and he may think about the past a little more than he used to, but there’s nothing even resembling finality. Thank God, because I don’t think that a world without Bob Dylan is one that I want to be a part of.

B

John Lacey

Ya's News! 5/11/09

(This column is written by Owen Murphy, whom you might remember as the man who penned the Shit from the 90's column on the dancing flowers. Before we get to his new current events feature, "Ya's News", I'd like to announce that a small dog, not unlike Lassie, was just run over on the street in front of my house. And now, Ya's News!)

Ya’s News!: Pakistan/Afghanistan/Taliban, Sarah Palin, Taken!!!

Sometimes things just have a way of not adding up; figure and second take as you might, it just does not make sense. Take, for instance, the events taking place over the past week on the Afghanistan/Pakistan border. Out intelligence agencies determined, about a decade ago, that the Taliban had developed both residential and training facilities in the unforgiving mountainous terrain of the region. At that time, agreements between then Presidents George W. Bush and Pakistani president Perez Musharraf (Pakistan) created a cooperative protocol which stated that any U.S. attack against Taliban facilities, in Pakistani territory, would require the assistance of Pakistani Special Forces.

Of course, what we failed to realize at that time was the term “special” applied to the Pakistani forces in that they were largely disabled and idiotic, often times slowing down the U.S. Navy Seal teams that were dispatched to these remote areas, and other times the Pakistani Special Forces were not available for such strikes entirely. Needless to say, that didn’t completely dishearten the U.S., who to launch attacks using unmanned flying drones, or predators, operated remotely by CIA members from mainland U.S.A.

But I digress, the fact of the matter is that we have been in Afghanistan for the better part of a decade now, with numerous successes, most often followed by crippling setbacks. All in all, things are a lot better than before but nowhere close to perfect. Thus I have found it bewildering that over the past week Obama has expressed such confidence in our ability to protect Pakistani nuclear arms from insurgents. The last I knew, we had little knowledge as to where these weapons were even being stored; still, I welcomed this optimism with some hesitation.

Then today, based upon the history of military actions within the region, made even less sense; The Pakistani military made huge inroads into the mountainous border in a strike which is reported to have taken the lives of 200 Taliban. Even when Bush was pumping billions of economic aid into Pakistan, the greatest of their efforts seemed to extol deaths of Taliban you could measure in the dozens, which seemed fine with members of the Pakistani military, many of which were Taliban sympathizers. I am not sure what types of discussions have gone on behind closed doors between the new leaders of the countries, Obama and Asif Ali Zardari, but whatever it is must have something to do with the new open, honest, transparent diplomatic approach we’ve been taking, which of course doesn’t make sense because negotiating isn’t supposed to work.

Speaking of taking things, can the political analysts who have continued to mention Sarah Palin as a viable 2012 ticket candidate die already? As if her performance on the campaign trail wasn’t terrible enough, she has been subject to numerous embarrassments since returning to her post in Alaska. I know the public loves them their Palin headlines, but give us a little credit, national billion dollar news broadcasting companies! If you want to out right shit on her or talk about how she’s a milf, that’s all well and good, but let’s call a spade a spade.

Of course, the most important news gripping the country over the past week is Tuesday’s impending release of Taken on DVD and Blu-Ray. Fever is running especially high over this past week, as the movie has been a sponsor of numerous NBA playoff games; I don’t know about ya’ll, but I am playing it safe, I am writing to you from my tent which I have set up outside Best Buy. The movie, which is in most relevant senses complete dog shit, was far far far more entertaining than the plethora of legitimately good movies that I took in over this past winter… doesn’t make sense does it? It’s high action, gory, and largely hilarious; I can’t urge you enough to check it out.

Owen Murphy

Sleeve Goes to da Movies! 5/5/09

Hey all! Boy, seems like just yesterday I was digging my car out of 3 feet of snow, drinking hot chocolate, and giving you my Oscar picks! Now, believe it or not, this marks the first week of the Summer blockbuster season! I figured I'd give a quick rundown of what's coming out, what my thoughts are on what's coming out, and maybe even play that fun little guessing game of how much money each movie will make in their opening weekends. I figure the best way to do this is to just go in order of when they come out.

[Note: All dollar figure guesses are just for opening weekends]

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (May 1)

Hugh Jackman is back in the 4th feature film installment of the popular comic book series. I'll have to admit, I'm not really a comic book fan, and I've only seen 1 of the previous X-Men movies, which I did enjoy. It turns in to the Hugh Jackman show this time around, and hey, what's wrong with that?! This one is coming out early enough in the year where I plan to go see it opening weekend. Trailer looks cool, and Jackman looks, well, Jacked! We've been in that couple month mire where all the Oscar movies are done and the summer movies haven't hit yet, and it’s been stinker after stinker for most of the spring (with the exception of "State of Play", which I caught last week. Awesome film Highly recommended!!). If this came out in June or July I probably would wait to catch it on HBO next year, but since I've been itching to get back to the movies, this has my interest enough to head there on opening weekend.

Will I see it? Yes

Will it be good? Probably

How much will it open with? X-Men movies usually rake at the box office. I've got a strange feeling this one won't crack the $100 mil mark though. I know that Iron Man came out around this time last year and opened right around 100, but I figure with the economy, and (maybe it’s just me??) seemingly a lack of buzz for this one, we might see a lower number on this one. Prediction: $65 mil.

Star Trek (May 8)

In this age of re-doing everything, why not Star Trek too! I never watched the TV show, I never saw any of the movies. I'm well aware of the popularity, and its huge success in the past, but I'll be honest when I say I don’t know much about this franchise. However, the previews I've seen for this movie really make me want to go see it. Not a lot of big names in terms of actors, but I think this one has potential to be good for a couple reasons. First, and this could go either way, the trailer looks sick. I know that doesn't always make for a good movie, but it seems like a cool angle to take on the franchise. Second, the director. JJ Abrams, co-creator of the TV series "Lost" obviously has a pretty creative way of thinking. This will be only the 2nd feature film he's directed, but I really, really liked the first one he did (Mission Impossible 3). Will all the Trekies out there like it? Couldn't tell you. But it does look like a cool flick.

Will I see it? Yes

Will it be good? Probably

How much will it make? Strange feeling a lot of the die-hard trekies won’t go see this out of protest. Still will get a good amount to the theatre though, and it is coming out against basically no competition. $43 Mil.

Angels & Demons (May 15th)

Ron Howard doesn't make bad movies, Tom Hanks doesn't make bad movies, it’s based on a really good book, so it’s pretty hard to see how this won't be a good movie. I feel like some people who loved the book version of Da Vinci Code were a little disappointed with the movie, so, that’s really the only possible wrench I see to this movie opening big.

Will I see it? Probably not. I didn't read the book, I'll have just been to the cinema a few times in a row, so I will likely miss this one in theatres.

Will it be good? Yes!

How much will it make? Da Vinci Code was up around $70 I believe. I don’t think this one has quite the wheels Da Vinci Code did. I feel like everyone and their brother read that book and were really stoked for the movie to come out. Should still do pretty well though. $48 mil.

Terminator Salvation (May 22)

Looks like Christian Bale's plan to take over every franchise in Hollywood is starting to gain some steam! Batman, Terminator, what's next? A re-vamping of the Police Academy series with Bale replacing Steve Guttenberg? Ok, probably not, but Bale is on fire right now. He and Christopher Nolan have build themselves up to legendary status with their work in the Batman franchise, and he teams up with another first class director this summer for yet another huge movie (we'll get to that in a second). But here, he's got me a little nervous. I love Bale. I love the Terminator movies. But this time, he teams up with McG? Really? I mean, I love "Charlie's Angels" as much as the next guy, but I've got a horrible feeling this dope is going to destroy one of my favorite movie franchises, and make one of my favorite actor's look bad. Maybe (hopefully) I'm wrong, but every part of me is feeling that this movie is going to be a big-time disappointment. We will see, we will see.

Will I see it? Yes

Will it be good? Probably not. But I haven't given up hope yet.

How much will it make? I feel like a lot of the Terminator die-hards like myself share my concern, but still plan to see it. It will probably do well, but don’t forget that is going up against Night At the Museum 2, which made some decent bank a couple years back. I have a feeling this figure could possibly be way off (in either direction), but here goes: $50 mil.

Land of the Lost (June 5th)

Will Ferrell has become less annoying to me over the last 18 months or so, but I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I haven't seen him advertised for a movie for well over a year, or maybe it’s because of his hilarious cameos on the HBO series "Eastbound & Down". Either way, I won’t see this one, but not because of Ferrell. I just don’t really think I fall in the demographic they are going for. Should be harmless, and fun. Not to mention, another huge step forward for Ferrell disciple Danny McBride.

Will I see it? No

Will it be good? Sure!

How much will it make? $40 mil.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (June 24th)

I said a couple years back the Shia LeBeouf is the next Tom Cruise, and aside from some minor off-screen incidences, he's still on track. Another huge movie for the young guy. I've seen the first Transformers (not in theatres) but this franchise just isn't quite enough up my alley to get me to see it in the theatre (even with Megan Fox). The fact that Michael Bay actually made a decent movie with the first one tells me that he's probably going to fuck this one up. It'll still make money though.

Will I see it? No

Will it be good? No

How much will it make? Should be big. Maybe the biggest of the summer. $75 mil.

Public Enemies (July 1)

Now we're talking. I've been waiting for this one for a while. Johnny Depp as John Dillinger! Christian Bale, in his second huge movie of the summer. Michael Mann directing! Wow. This one looks really slick. Lot of other familiar faces in the supporting cast too, Giovanni Ribisi, Billy Crudup, Channing Tatum, and others. Here's what annoys me about the movie going public though, this will likely be the best movie of the summer, and it will probably make the least amount of money. I guess that’s just the way it goes. I am certainly most excited for this one, and will be seeing in on night 1. Gotta love Michael Mann movies (we'll give him a pass on "Miami Vice").

Will I see it? Yes

Will it be good? Yes

How much will it make? Doesn't have the recognizable title or typical summer blockbuster plot, but I think the cast and trailer should be enough to get a good amount of people there. $44 mil.

Others to check out this summer:

Judd Apatow's 3rd directorial effort : "Funny People", July 31st. Others that will probably do well, but I really have no interest in; GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra, and Quentin Tarantino's "Inglorious Basterds".

There you have it!! Should be a pretty good summer. I'll be back around the end of May after I've seen 3 or 4 of these. Til then, you know what to do!!!!

Brian Shortsleeve