Forgotten Records #5: Iron Maiden - No Prayer for the Dying

Iron Maiden
No Prayer for the Dying
EMI 1990

Why was it forgotten?

Upon its release in 1990, No Prayer for the Dying ushered in a new era for Iron Maiden – one without guitarist/songwriting contributor Adrian Smith, who helped pen such classics as “2 Minutes to Midnight,” “Wasted Years,” “Flight of Icarus,” and “22 Acacia Avenue.” Replacing him was Janick Gers, who had made himself known to Maiden fans as the guitarist on frontman Bruce Dickinson’s first solo album, Tattooed Millionaire. Adrian Smith had been long known for writing melodic, memorable hooks, and he provided a great contrast to bassist/main songwriter Steve Harris’s more epic, thundering numbers. Gers, while a great improviser and showman on the stage, was no Smith when it came to songwriting, and this album showed that Steve Harris could no longer carry the songwriting load like he did on Maiden’s earlier material.

In the U.S., Maiden’s popularity peaked with 1985’s Live After Death. Two subsequent releases, Somewhere in Time and Seventh Son of a Seventh Son were still successful enough to yield well-attended tours, but record sales had started to decline. Some fans thought the addition of synthesizers took away some of the edge that Maiden had in the older days, a thought that must have entered the band’s mind when recording No Prayer for the Dying.

Returning to the bare-bones approach of the band’s first two albums, No Prayer sounds like it was recorded live in the studio (a practice the band would actually implement later on, beginning with 2000’s Brave New World). The production is very raw and dry-sounding, and the band sounds like they are re-energized right off the bat with opening track “Tailgunner.” Another song about battles in the air during WWII, “Tailgunner” may have lyrical parallels to “Aces High,” but musically it doesn’t quite compare. Steve Harris has toned down his bass playing on this album, perhaps as a way to highlight new addition Gers’ skills, but it’s unfortunate. Following “Tailgunner” is “Holy Smoke,” a decent enough, catchy, hard rock track, that also has the misfortune of being one of the most embarrassing music videos ever assembled (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9fbaujXsb8). Taking on the ever-popular 80’s metal subject of televangelism, “Holy Smoke” mocks preachers out for your money. Truly groundbreaking stuff right here.

The title track, track 3, is where we get the first real melodic, memorable guitar line. The more I’ve listened to this album in recent years, the more I’ve liked this song. Featuring clean, laid-back verses, building to loud choruses and a great bridge/solo section, this song is a forgotten Maiden classic, if you ask me. While it doesn’t have any great vocal hooks, it has some great musical ones. Following up the title track is the worst-titled song in Iron Maiden’s history, “Public Enema Number One,” which I have to believe influenced Blink 182’s album titled Enema of the State. Opening with a by-the-books Maiden twin guitar melody, this song is much better than its title would have you believe. “Fates Warning” follows, and its opening reminds me of Piece of Mind’s “Still Life,” although it turns into a galloping rocker after about a minute. Dickinson really shows his range for the first time on the album in this song, not simply growling and gruffly singing like he does on some of the more abrasive rockers.

“The Assassin” opens well enough, with some good clean arpeggiated guitar work from Dave Murray, but by the time it gets to its ultra-cheesy chorus, (“Better watch out, cause I’m the ass-ass-in!” repeated 800 times), the song really loses steam. This song is the definition of a skipper. “Run Silent, Run Deep” opens again with clean guitar, but picks up with some decent riffing and an okay chorus. “Hooks in You” sounds like a “2 Minutes to Midnight” ripoff, with a chorus about some sort of bondage dungeon that involves hanging people from hooks. Dickinson absolutely hams this one up, “Knock on wood, you know I like that sou-wow-und!” is actually one of the lines from this song, unfortunately. Maiden always seemed to stray from writing about sex and girls (“Charlotte the Harlot” being the only real exception), so it was clear that they were lyrically running out of ideas by this point.

Speaking of running out of ideas, Steve Harris liked a song that Bruce had written for his solo band so much that he made Bruce use it for this album instead. The culprit is “Bring Your Daughter… to the Slaughter,” which was actually a bit of a hit and concert favorite for the band. Originally written for appearance on a Nightmare on Elm Street sequel, this song knows it’s cheesy and relishes in it, so there’s a certain charm to it that’s not evident on garbage like “Hooks in You.”

The album ends with the “epic” “Mother Russia,” which wouldn’t have been out of place in This Is Spinal Tap. Steve Harris has written some incredible epics – “Phantom of the Opera” being the first great Maiden epic, and “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” with its 14 awesome, interesting, captivating minutes filled with great riffs and solos – but he’s also written some stinkers (“Alexander the Great,” anybody?). “Mother Russia” is luckily only 5 and a half minutes long, but it still doesn’t compare to the great epics in the Maiden catalogue. I think the production doesn’t do a song like this any favors, as it just sounds too stripped down, no matter how many layers of guitars and keyboards they add in the middle of the song. This song is primarily instrumental following the first verse, which is good, because the song’s lyrics about the fall of communism are pretty wretched.

Should it be forgotten?

Short answer: Yes. Are there good tracks on this album? Of course, but this was the first Maiden album where the number of filler songs outweighed the good. Fear of the Dark would follow the same pattern, although its good tracks were more solid than anything on No Prayer, before the whole Blaze Bayley debacle happened in the mid-to-late 90s (if you don’t know, don’t ask). Luckily for Maiden, Smith and Dickinson would re-join in 1999 and the band would reclaim their popularity in the US touring circuit and release 3 excellent albums in the new millennium.

Recommended Tracks: “No Prayer for the Dying,” “Public Enema Number One,” “Run Silent, Run Deep,” “Bring Your Daughter… to the Slaughter”

Matt Steele

The Simpsons Project #7

The Simpsons Project #7 (Season 1, Episode 7)
The Call of the Simpsons
Original airdate: 2/18/90

With the last Simpsons Project (Case File #6: "Moaning Lisa"), we completed Disc 1 of the DVD set for Season One. Progress! Today, we take a look at a rather famous episode, "The Call of the Simpsons".

The episode begins with Bart and Homer doing some yardwork in front of the Simpson home. In one of those nice touches that gets funnier with time, Bart is forced to mow the lawn using one of those old non-motor push mowers. Bart looks over to see the elder Flanders boy, Rod, mowing the Flanders' lawn on a (then) state of the art sit-down mower. Bart complains, but Homer tells him not to compare their family to the Flanders', and to be content with what they have.

At that moment, Ned arrives in a brand-new gigantic RV, complete with deep fryer and satellite dish. Homer's fatherly advice is quickly dispensed of, kicking off his series-long jealousy of Ned and his self-consciousness about the state of his family compared to the Flanders'. Homer decides immediately that he needs to one-up Ned, so he brings the family down to Bob's RV Round-Up to purchase their own recreational vehicle.

Bob is a sleazy salesman voiced with gusto by longtime Simpsons contributor Albert Brooks, who immediately plays off Homer's insecurities and irrational line of thinking. Bob shows Homer the Ultimate Behemoth, an RV so big it has its own satellite orbiting earth and four deep fryers, "one for each part of the chicken". In introducing the Ultimate Behemoth, Bob is moved to say with awe, "Man built this. It's...a vehicle."

The bargaining hits a snag when Bob checks Homer's credit and a siren goes off. Homer simply can't afford the Behemoth, but he's ashamed to go away empty handed. Bob tells him the only RV he could possibly afford is a run down used piece of junk, and after some hilarious dramatic cajoling, Homer buys the RV.

The next scene opens with the family packed and ready to break in the RV with a camping trip into the forest (Homer decides to pack the TV). Not long after they hit the road, Homer has everyone hopelessly lost in the woods. The problem is compounded when Homer nearly drives off a cliff. The family escapes, but the RV is destroyed, and with no means of transportation to get out of their situation, they're forced to improvise.

Homer and Bart go off in search of help, not realizing Maggie has decided to join them. When they hear her pacifier behind them and mistake the noise for that of a rattlesnake, they frantically run away, leaving Maggie behind in the woods. The Simpson males fall off of another cliff and over a waterfall, while Maggie befriends a group of grizzly bears.

The family had great confidence in Homer early in the series, even though he was already doing idiotic things that constantly got them into trouble. Even Marge was under the impression that Homer was an "experienced woodsman". Later in the series the family would largely blow him off or talk back to him when he tried to take charge of a situation, but in early episodes like this they have a lot of trust and faith in him.

After unsuccessfully attempting to catch food (resulting in Homer being attacked by a plethora of animals), Homer punches a beehive to eat its honey. To escape the ensuing bee barrage, he runs into a nearby muddy creek. An amateur nature photographer happens to be filming, and thinks he has inadvertently taken footage of Bigfoot. The footage quickly reaches the media, and the news coverage of a slow-motion Homer spouting off an angry, indecipherable string of nonsense is hysterical.

As often happens in The Simpsons, a media circus ensues. Marge and Lisa are rescued and Marge instantly recognizes "Bigfoot" as Homer. A series of great "spinning newspapers" follows, one with the tagline, "Bigfoot's Wife Pleads: Call Him 'Homer'!"

Homer and Bart eventually stumble across the grizzly den to retrieve Maggie, then come across a group of Bigfoot hunters, who tranquilize him. The episode ends with Homer watching news footage of scientists prodding him and discussing his "sloping, ape-like forehead". Marge consoles him and they turn the TV off.

Albert Brooks on The Simpsons is gold, and he produces the best lines of the episode. Early Simpsons episodes were based more on plotlines than one-liners, and though the story is strong and humorous, there aren't a ton of belly laughs. Still, a solid first season entry.

B

Homer: Is that a good siren? Am I approved?
Bob: You ever known a siren to be good?

John Lacey

The Random Ten #11

Yes, it's John Lacey doing the Random Ten. After reading all of Matt Steele's Random Ten columns, I thought it looked so fun that I decided to give it a whirl myself. With Matt's blessing, I'll be writing the latest Random Ten column and hopefully it lives up to the amazingly high standards Mr. Steele has set for all of us.

I have a ton of music in my iTunes, and a good deal of it I'm honestly very unfamiliar with. There are probably thousands of songs I've never even heard on here, and I would imagine some of those will come up through the course of the project. Perfect time to get to know them! Let's jump right in!

Sublime - "Caress Me Down" - Sublime (1996)

I used to really like Sublime...in sixth grade. Since then, my enjoyment of their music has been whittled down to the point where I was surprised that they even came up because I didn't know they were in my iTunes. In college, Sublime symbolized to me the attitudes toward music of everyone that didn't know anything about it. Ask the drunken oaf wearing the beanie indoors in 80 degree temperatures what his favorite band was, and he was sure to answer, "Sublime". Not that I wasn't a drunken oaf, but I considered myself a tasteful drunken oaf.

Though those people are idiots, there really isn't a lot to dislike about the band's actual music. "Caress Me Down" is a catchy, if unspectacular, reggae-themed song infused with Sublime's signature goofy vulgarity. There's not a whole lot going on here, but I'll be damned if it doesn't recall eating 7-11 burritos in a dimly lit, smoke-clogged dorm room at 3 AM. That's actually a compliment.

Pink Floyd - "Eclipse" - The Dark Side of the Moon (1973)

"Eclipse" is the finale of perhaps the greatest assemblage of music ever, The Dark Side of the Moon, and as such, it's really meant to work as the denouement of everything heard before it. But it is powerful in its own right, with fantastic lyrics that get more powerful with each passing line. The line "and everyone you meet", immediately followed with soulful female vocals, gives me chills every time I hear it.

Modest Mouse - "Karma's Payment" - The Fruit That Ate Itself (1997)

The final song from Modest Mouse's 1997 EP begins with an interesting reverse loop sound that they employ in several other songs, opening into a textbook Modest Mouse song; abrupt, pressing lyrics sung by frontman Isaac Brock teamed with feedback-drenched guitars. It doesn't do much to stand out, but it's a fine 3 1/2 minute listen.

Yo La Tengo - "Sometimes I Don't Get You" - I Am Not Afraid Of You And I Will Beat Your Ass (2006)

"Sometimes I Don't Get You" is a fine, bright pop song that's quite conventional and classical in its delivery. The bass moves the song where it needs to go, and an echo effect on the lyrics provide a slight air of mystery around what on the surface is a fairly straightforward pop song. The tune is brought to its conclusion neatly with a piano interlude about 3/4 through. Really good stuff.

Ted Leo & the Pharmacists - "Biomusicology" - The Tyranny Of Distance (2001)

The opening track from the 2001 studio album The Tyranny Of Distance, "Biomusicology" features a memorable guitar riff coupled with Leo's identifiably strong voice. It's a bouncy indie pop song, imbued with a tinge of sadness by a violin interlude a few minutes in. This interlude unfolds nicely into a faster, louder, and more powerful verse.

Indie rock, despite having many subgenres and nuances, tends to follow certain conventions, regardless of which area the music resides. This song may be as close to the definition of "indie rock" you can get. If a confused Siberian man asked me to explain indie rock to him, I might start by playing this for him.

Percy Hill - "Soggy Weather Skunk" - Color In Bloom (1998)

Percy Hill is (was?) a jam band a few friends of mine liked back in high school, and at some point I was apparently given this album. It sounds quite a bit like a reggae-infused Dave Matthews. Though that sounds horrible, it really isn't that offensive.

Like a lot of jam band studio efforts, "Soggy Weather Skunk" goes to the well too many times and there aren't enough ideas to justify even about six minutes, which is rather pedestrian in jam band terms. It seems like jam bands just can't control themselves in the studio, and songs that would be good with a bit of focus and brevity are bled of all their worth by stretching them out too long. Percy Hill and some of their colleagues (moe., for instance) could stand to learn a lesson. Enjoyable and nicely groovy, though.

Talking Heads - "Hey Now" - True Stories (1986)

True Stories was released at the same time as frontman David Byrne's 1986 film of the same name that I've never seen. Though the album True Stories is not considered a soundtrack album, I'm not sure I want to investigate the film after listening to this. It's just too annoying. Often Talking Heads are able to mask their overly cutesy jungle rhythms with strong choruses and by other means, but here it kind of sounds like I'm listening to "Kokomo". I love Talking Heads, but they can be a bit much sometimes. Here's exhibit A.

Busta Rhymes - "Where We Are About To Take It" - E.L.E. (Extinction Level Event): The Final World Front (1998)

I do like a number of hip-hop acts, and though I truthfully only bought this album for hit single "Gimme Some More", I always liked Busta's flow, showmanship, and awesome music videos. His image was cool and different; he acted like a goof and sang about all sorts of crazy crap (when he wasn't busy writing love songs to his label, Flipmode), and he simply wasn't doing what everyone else was doing at the time.

This song has a decent beat but fairly boring "I'm the man, you a bitch"-type rhymes. It's really not very memorable or good, and proof that Busta could rest on his laurels too, even in the midst of his glory days.

The Police - "Demoliton Man" - Ghost In The Machine (1981)

Written by Sting for the Police but covered successfully by a few others, including actress/singer Grace Jones, Manfredd Mann, and Sting himself, "Demolition Man" is the longest song by the band, clocking in at a shade under six minutes. It features an awesome bassline and great use of horns, both of which collaborate to keep the song moving along. It's simply a fun song, and if you're looking for a no-frills, straight ahead rocker from the Police, I'd start here.

Frank Sinatra - "I Love Paris" - Sinatra 80th: All The Best (1995)

"I Love Paris" clocks in at only two minutes, but that's plenty of time for the king of crooners, and he truly belts it out in the song's short run time. It's seemingly over before it starts, though, and not one of his classics.

John Lacey

The Dailies 7/8/09: Political Strife at Home and Abroad!

Before we get to this edition of the Dailies, I want to apologize to the 1 1/2 of you who care for taking about a month and a half since the last column. With my recent move and getting things in order in my apartment, trying to play through a 24 year major league baseball career on MLB 09: The Show, getting distracted writing other columns for this site, putting off writing by watching Red Sox games or boozing, trips to Maine and Philadelphia, mourning over the death of Michael Jackson, suffering a throat laceration when Randy "Macho Man" Savage dropped me over a guardrail, and sleeping, I've simply not had much time or inclination to sit down and watch movies recently.

I'm going to tinker with a new format moving forward. I've been writing reviews of every film I've seen since the inception of this site back in December, and while I like doing that, it causes me to put off watching films sometimes because I know that as soon as I watch one I need to go write about it. And between you and me, I don't always feel like writing about every movie I see. Then time goes by and the movie and its details move further and further into the back of my mind until they're hazy recollections that I have no business using as the basis for an article.

So instead, I'm going to pick one movie out of every three or four that I see and focus on that, while doing very brief opinions on the others that I viewed. I think I can name every person that reads this site in under four lines of text, so I don't think this will matter too much, but if you object or have any suggestions, please feel free to email me at themusicarium@yahoo.com.

Let's get started!

The Matador (2005) - Dir: Richard Shepard; Principles: Pierce Brosnan, Greg Kinnear, Hope Davis, Phillip Baker Hall

The Matador was a fun and entertaining film that was enjoyable despite problems with pacing, some poorly written/hastily thrown together plot twists, and a lack of depth. Brosnan plays a scummy hitman with a vulgar charm about him, and he is the reason this film keeps its head above water. I've never seen Brosnan like this; the role is sort of the antithesis of Brosnan's established English gentleman character. He plays off Greg Kinnear, who does what he seemingly always does; portrays an unsophisticated mope struggling through life. It's a sufficiently quirky film, thanks to some of the director's conventions and due in large part to Brosnan's character, who we never really get a true feel for until its conclusion. Loose ends are thrown together towards the end and the storyline doesn't always make sense. Brosnan's performance isn't enough to completely ignore the faults of The Matador, but it is enough to diminish them. B-.

Casino (1995) - Dir: Martin Scorcese, Principles: Robert De Niro, Joe Pesci, Sharon Stone

Yes, I've seen Casino before. I'm actually a proud owner of the film on DVD. But I recently rewatched it and was truly mesmerized by its frenetic (but never overwhelming) pacing, its strong performances from De Niro, Pesci and Stone, and the amazing storyline. Casino is sometimes overshadowed by Scorcese's Goodfellas, but this really might be a better film. Goodfellas showed us the life of a mobster, but Casino does the same, within the dizzying confines of Las Vegas. Not much new to say on the subject, but it really is a hell of a film and I'd recommend this strongly to anyone who hasn't seen it. Sharon Stone won a Golden Globe and was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actress for her portrayal of call-girl and horrible mother Ginger McKenna. A.

Frost/Nixon (2008)
Dir: Ron Howard
Principle Actors: Michael Sheen, Frank Langella, Oliver Platt, Sam Rockwell

There are two very strong facets of Frost/Nixon that I imagine helped earn the film an Academy Award nomination for Best Picture at last year's Oscars. The first is the story. Frost/Nixon follows the series of 1977 interviews between British talk show host and moonlighting journalist David Frost and disgraced former president Richard Nixon from their inception to their ensuing fallout. It's an engaging story, helped in no small part because it actually happened in real life and people remember it taking place. Richard Nixon, from all accounts (I wasn't alive) a thoroughly despised man, during his presidency and after it, talking with a British entertainer candidly about what he did that caused him to be thought of that way. It's an engaging and at times exhilarating story, in ways we'll discuss in a second.

The other thing Frost/Nixon has going for it is the performance of Frank Langella as Richard Nixon, a role that earned him an Oscar nom for Best Actor. Again, I wasn't around to live through Nixon's presidency, and even though he died in 1994, I don't ever remember seeing an interview with him when I was a child. From every review I read and everything I hear, Langella nailed the performance.

Though I can certainly see for myself that Langella was very good in the film, someone as iconic and well known as Nixon must be a hard man to portray. In a way, Langella was almost too accurate. Not to say that he was "trying too hard" by any means, but I never got lost in the role. I think someone like Nixon is one of a kind; Langella handled the role strongly, but there was an unmistakable sheen of acting occurring that caused me to mentally separate actor from role and view the part as "Langella playing Nixon".

Michael Sheen plays British talk show/variety show host David Frost, whom I had never heard of before this film was released. He plays a decent foil for Nixon, but largely gives way to Langella's performance. David Edelstein of New York Magazine sums up Sheen's performance perfectly: "(the film) is brisk, well crafted, and enjoyable enough, but the characters seem thinner (Sheen is all frozen smiles and squirms) and the outcome less consequential". Indeed, Sheen's Frost isn't very nuanced or complicated. It's all on the surface for him, unlike Langella's Nixon, who tells us something every time he shifts his eyes.

Frost/Nixon's best scenes are of the duel between Frost and Nixon over which way the interviews go; essentially, who wins them. Frost assembles a crack team of researchers and Nixon historians to ready him for the interviews; they're played by Oliver Platt and Sam Rockwell in fine roles for both. Nixon's camp is led by Kevin Bacon, who plays chief-of-staff Jack Brennan. Both men depend heavily on their associates for guidance and support. At one point during the interviews, Brennan and Nixon discuss how the most recent session went as if Nixon is a boxer swinging away on the weaknesses of his opponent. The confrontations never get physically heated, but they don't need to. Nixon's attempt to break (in his opinion) the weak-minded Frost and Frost's attempts to cajole some sort of contrition from Nixon, and their strategies for doing so, provide for the best pieces of the film.

Frost/Nixon seems a bit confused when it comes to motivation, however. Frost seems to only be in this for the money. He talks before the Nixon interviews of the ratings they will bring and his lust for success in America. Sam Rockwell's character of Nixon biographer and UNC professor Bob Zelnick cares about getting a confession out of Nixon for the good of the American people; Frost doesn't seem to share his convictions. Frost cares about getting Nixon to say something noteworthy only because it would further his own career. After Nixon apologizes to the American public and says he'd do things differently (with Frost "winning" the interview), and we get the "what happened next" montage, Frost is mentioned as having gotten an American talk show and becoming even more famous. It's hard to buy the event as having created solace for Americans disheartened by Watergate when one half of the title wasn't really interested in that type of outcome.

B

John Lacey

Action Und Comedy #2: TJ Hooker!

Hello, and welcome, everyone, to the second installment of Action Und Comedy. In the first column we discussed the first half of the TJ Hooker episode "Hooker's War", originally aired in early 1982. Since it was just so bad, I couldn't watch the whole hour-long episode all at once. But I'm back now to finish it off. Let's recap the action so far.

William Shatner (as "I get results" policeman TJ Hooker), the epitome of manliness, and his Mexican stud sidekick Adrian Zmed, are searching for the root of a stolen gun epidemic ravaging Florida/California/wherever this is. Shatner emasculates criminals, guns are referred to as "merchandise", Zmed tries to get lucky with two sexy ladies, and evil, heretofore, is punished.

We start the second half of the episode with Shatner and Zmed picking up right where they left off, investigating a dead body in a canal. Of course, that dead body belongs (belonged?) to the local dirtbag bookie you might remember from the first half of the ep. You see, Shatner muscled a neighborhood scumbag into assisting him in finding out who is bringing the stolen guns to town by threatening to arrest him. The scumbag acquiesces, and goes to purchase a gun from the motorcycle gang that seems to have a hand in the manufacture and distribution of the guns. As he's about to purchase a gun, Shatner and Zmed jump into action, arresting the gun salesman, completely exposing the bookie as being in league with the police. Now he's dead. Excellent police work! Shatner finishes the scene with a hell of a line, saying, "They're declaring war. And if it's war they want, (dramatic music accompaniment) it's war they're gonna get". Vengeful Shatner isn't very convincing or menacing.

So the two dopes go to the motorcycle gang headquarters themselves to investigate. The bikers talk about how they're "legit". Shatner presses them, causing one of the bikers to remark, "This whole thing is a bunch of bullwash". That type of language just won't fly with Hooker, and he quickly chalks that up to a charge of "attempting to provoke an officer". Shatner and Zmed really come off as giant pains in the ass. The musclebound biker throws a punch at Shatner, who blocks and counters it in that TV and movie way that would never work in real life. He's so fucking manly!

Next: the obligatory "the police chief doesn't like the way Hooker does things, next time do it by the book or YOU'RE OUT OF HERE" scene. In a chain of events that foreshadowed the Harp-Utah showdown in Point Break, Shatner is informed that they've been staking out the gang's headquarters for months, and the investigation is ruined. Bummer.

Hooker is unfazed, however, and ignores Stern Police Chief's orders to lay off. You know how you see those parodies of cop shows all the time, particularly in movies and on South Park? I'm pretty sure the creators of those parodies watched this episode of TJ Hooker. This has every tired, lame convention of the genre imaginable.

The cops go to the gang's garage again and one of them tries to escape on a motorcycle. A ridiculous high-speed chase follows. The gang's ringleader is captured when he:

A) skids out on the motorcycle for no reason
B) is pinned against a fence by Shatner's car, even though he is holding a gun and could have easily fired it

Shatner takes that gun and pours acid on it (very scientific) to raise the filed-off serial number. Apparently, it had been in police custody and somehow was redistributed to the streets. Something is rotten in Denmark! And I have a strong feeling it's this fucking awful show. Shatner face #3: angry.

And of course, that retard ex-partner of his (the one I said would die right away because he was talking about his retirement) is responsible. What a fucking moron. So he had no idea that a simple drop of acid could bring the serial numbers back and trace the entire operation back to him? And he was willing to flush his entire career for this? Nice of the producers not to wait until the end of the episode to reveal this. Why wait until the end to build suspense when you can ruin the surprise now?

Shatner, watching from about ten feet away, can't tell the perp is his former partner. He also hangs from a moving crane for some reason. They eventually have a showdown, and the partner says, "So what's the big deal? I'm selling guns!" I also see no problem with that. Shatner disagrees, a shootout ensues, the bad guy is arrested, Stern Police Chief realizes the error of his ways (for one episode, at least), and Hooker's off on his next wild adventure.

Thanks for reading. I'll be back soon with an episode of Simon & Simon!

John Lacey