The Simpsons Project #9

The Simpsons Project #9 (Season 1, Episode 9)
Life on the Fast Lane
Original airdate: 3/18/90

Hello, everyone, and happy holidays! I hope you and yours had a fantastic holiday weekend, and hopefully all of you and your loved ones are in good health and good spirits.

I should have mentioned this in my last column, but December 14 marked the one-year anniversary of the creation of this blog. I’d like to sincerely thank everyone who has written an article for the Musicarium, and I’d also like to thank everyone who has ever taken the time to load this page up. To anyone who has mentioned the blog to myself, or to Matt, or to anyone else who writes/has written here, thanks so much.

The ninth episode of The Simpsons, “Life on the Fast Lane”, delves into the shaky marriage of the Simpson parental unit. We open with Bart and Lisa preparing a birthday breakfast for Marge, complete with a cake and about fifty pancakes. They awaken Marge with breakfast in bed, and Homer is completely oblivious and unaware of the significance of the day. He immediately runs to the mall to purchase a present, and in the end purchases a bowling ball for Marge so that he’ll be able to use it. To say she’s unhappy with his gift would be an understatement.

Homer has always been a thoughtless goofball, but in earlier episodes, his selfishness and rudeness is presented in a much more negative light. In recent episodes, the others expect him to act like a jerk and usually brush off his behavior with an eye-roll or a quip; in fact, that they know he’ll behave like that is a joke in itself. But here, Homer is truly portrayed as a guy who just doesn’t understand basic decency. When Marge opens the bowling ball and Homer says “If you don’t want it, I know someone who does”, referring to himself, it may be the low point of Homer as a husband and family man in the entire series.

To spite Homer, Marge decides to use the ball anyway, and ends up meeting a local lothario, Jacques, at the bowling alley. He offers to teach her how to bowl, but he’s really interested in preying on her fragile and attention-starved sensibilities in order to get her into bed. He buys her a bowling glove with her name on it and then takes her out to brunch. Jacques possesses a combination of feigned classiness and a general understanding of how women work. His gift of the bowling glove to Marge, so shortly after her “present” from Homer, and his self-portrayal as a classy French playboy, represent the opposite of Homer’s brutishness and thoughtlessness.

Every character in the episode has great, realistic reactions to what’s happening. Marge is wracked with guilt about what she’s doing, but she so desires genuine attention and affection that she nearly destroys her family. Homer realizes that he’s a shitty husband, but doesn’t know what to say or do about it. The kids see what is going on and deal with its implications. It’s actually a pretty heavy-handed episode, light on laughs but long on story and character development.

Marge agrees to visit Jacques’ apartment, but has second thoughts on her way there, and instead decides to drop in on Homer at the nuclear plant, mending their relationship and providing for a memorable ending.

B+

John Lacey

“Tell him I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!” - Homer

Forgotten Records #6: Led Zeppelin - Presence

Led Zeppelin
Presence
1976 Swan Song

Why was it forgotten?

Led Zeppelin may have more fans than any rock group or artist short of the Beatles, and yet many of their followers, for one reason or another, aren’t familiar with their entire discography. Many of the group’s most ardent supporters seem to have only a passing knowledge of Led Zeppelin’s later works, like 1979’s In Through The Out Door and 1982’s “posthumously” released Coda. In these cases, ignorance may be bliss, as both albums left much to be desired (and Coda wasn’t really an album at all, rather a collection of outtakes released following the death of drummer John Bonham in 1980). Today’s subject, 1976’s Presence, is unfairly lumped in with these aforementioned albums. It failed to spawn a true hit at its time of release, which essentially led to its lack of airplay on modern (then) and classic (now) rock radio, which in turn led to its lack of discovery.

It’s easy to understand why today’s Led Zeppelin fans often forget about Presence when discussing the group’s great albums. Led Zeppelin are thought of as a legendary, pioneering, larger than life rock and roll outfit, and their first five albums (Led Zeppelin, II, III, [IV], and Houses Of The Holy) are considered some of the greatest of all time. An album like Presence, which wasn’t accompanied by a world famous “Stairway To Heaven”-size single, easily gets lost amidst the sea of fantastic music the band has put out before it. There’s “classic Zeppelin” (the first five albums) and then there’s everything after (including Physical Graffiti, another criminally underrated album), and unfortunately Presence was not released during the most famous era of the band’s history.

Presence was simply swallowed by what came before it, and oddly enough, even the passing of time hasn’t helped to bring it to the attention of the masses. Classic rock stations continue to play tracks from the band’s first four or five albums, and only die-hard fans bother to delve into the back catalogue to see what they might be missing. New Zeppelin fans haven’t bothered to venture far beyond Houses Of The Holy, and older fans haven’t been able to lend Presence an heir of importance over time.

Should it be forgotten?

Absolutely not. Presence is chock-full of amazing songs, beginning with the spiraling ten-minute epic “Achilles Last Stand”. “Achilles” is perhaps the most epic song Led Zeppelin ever created, featuring tremendous guitar riffs, fantastical lyrics and constant movement in the song from one section to another. Only length prevented this from being a smash hit, but this is one of the band’s finest hours.

“Achilles Last Stand” is a standard heavy and big Zeppelin song, but it’s smarter than that, and sets the tone for the rest of the album. Where some of their previous epic/fantasy songs could be a bit clumsy or repetitive, “Achilles” continues a trend first seen on Physical Graffiti (1975). It teases moving to different tempos and places first, then delves into them full bore minutes later. We might anticipate these changes, but the band sets things up so that we want them to come and we feel a payoff when they do. “Achilles Last Stand” is frantic and urgent, but also delicate, strong, and enormous.

Presence veers right into a classic sleazy Zeppelin riff that kicks off “For Your Life”, a customarily bloated, yet strong, production, clocking in at 6 ½ minutes. “For Your Life” is an anti-cocaine statement, where Plant embodies the seductive, grimily grandiose nature of the drug. The song helps move the album from the fantasy elements of “Achilles” to the barroom splendor of early Zeppelin, but maintains the overall ideology of the album, with numerous tempo changes and bridges to different pieces. The largeness of “Achilles” makes it a classic, and the straight-ahead riffing of “For Your Life” does the same for it.

“Royal Orleans” follows, a three minute romp that rolls through quickly (compared to the first two songs), carrying on the momentum the album has built. This leads into “Nobody’s Fault But Mine”, with Jimmy Page’s introductory buzzing, layered guitar riff matched note for note by Robert Plant’s vocals. It’s another ass-kicker, with a memorable riff and assaulting drum blasts. “Nobody’s Fault But Mine” returns to the guitar/vocal intro for an unorthodox chorus of sorts, which is pulled off seamlessly and rolls back into the main riff. It, too, matches and adds to the incredible pace of the album.

In many ways the first four songs on Presence represent the group at the absolute top of their game. All four songs are great (even including a “Stairway”-like epic in “Achilles”), the musicianship is perfect, their ideas are simple but also complex, and everything sounds good.

“Candy Store Rock” is the fifth track, an Elvis-type number with a harder edge. It passes without much fanfare, save for a strong guitar part that accompanies its chorus. It doesn’t live up to the album’s early standard, but it’s certainly not a bad song. “Hots On For Nowhere” bounces around, carrying on the slightly lighter tone introduced by “Candy Store Rock”. It also rules. Great guitar, forceful drums, great vocals, great chorus. Every riff on Presence is essentially a hook; nothing is wasted, everything is catchy, and everything works.

“Tea For One” finishes things, opening with an amazing riff, albeit briefly, that then blends into a slower, bluesy tune; think of “Since I’ve Been Loving You” from the third album. The opening riff shows that they could have finished the album off with another rocker, and I almost wish they had. “Tea For One” is a fine song, but it’s the only song on the record that feels remotely out of place. Even at its reduced pace, however, it changes direction repeatedly and carries on the ingenuity of the songs before it.

If Presence had been released in 1970 as Led Zeppelin II, this would be one of the most famous albums in the world. Every song is terrific; Presence finds Led Zeppelin at their most stripped down and focused, and they don’t fuck around. It’s a shame Presence isn’t more well-known, and hopefully someday the album’s reputation will be for more than its intriguing artwork.

A-

John Lacey

People Play Games #1 - John Elway's Quarterback

Hello, and welcome to the first installment of a new column on the Musicarium, “People Play Games”. This column will be the spiritual sister to the seldom-seen “Nintend’oh!” column written by Dan Baxter. For “People Play Games”, each column will focus on a specific sub-genre of older games (re: 1996 or earlier), such as games based on Arnold Schwarzenegger films, games with over-the-top commercial tie-ins, and so on. Together, we’ll look back fondly on the dog shit we spent our youth wasting our time on.


For the first column, I wanted to discuss a genre of games pretty much non-existent today: sports games with pro athlete sponsorship. Nowadays, nearly all sports games are put out by Electronic Arts or 2K Sports, and their games are usually quite good. But it wasn’t always this way. Before the Madden NFL series popularized sports video games and put EA on the map, all sorts of different developers and publishers were putting out awful sports games for the Nintendo, Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis. These games were easily spotted by their borderline unplayability, lack of official team and player names, and the emblazoned name of whatever dopey athlete signed on to be the spokesman. Today’s entry, John Elway’s Quarterback (NES, 1988), is the standard-bearer for poorly designed and developed games put out to cash in on a hot athlete’s name before people knew any better.

And man, is John Elway’s Quarterback an astoundingly horrible video game. We of course start with the signature feature of any game like this; city names only, no logos. Because playing with “Player 1” on “San Francisco” is much more fun that playing as Joe Montana! Even John Elway isn’t in the game, and he’s on the fucking cover. When you see a team select screen that looks like this, you know you’re in trouble.

The gameplay, you ask? Why, it’s putrid! Offense consists of either quarterback draws that are immediately stuffed for no gain, or throws that either go four feet to the left or right (directly into the turf, of course) or are intercepted. I managed to make it through one-half of John Elway’s Quarterback and I completed one pass, a screen to a running back standing immediately to my right. Here you see a typical Quarterback “scrum”, with the ball loose on the ground to the left of the quarterback (it’s the orange dot).

Offensive play calling is only slightly sub-Madden NFL 10. Plays are listed simply enough, with names like “post”, “screen”, and “sneak”. But every play that didn’t start out of the shotgun resulted in the quarterback snapping the ball and automatically lunging for a first down without my pressing a button. Eventually, I attempted to give up on offense, and after surrendering a touchdown, ran the return back into the end zone to accept a safety. Of course, John Elway’s Quarterback didn’t even allow me to quit the game in a fun manner, actually awarding me the ball and putting me at the 20-yard line as if it was a touchback. It’s one thing to not fully convey the complexities of football in a video game; it’s quite another to get the rules completely wrong. Eventually, I succeeded in surrendering a safety. See?

The defensive end was not much better. Three times I intercepted the other team without pressing a button or knowing what was going on. Defense is basically chasing after the quarterback as he takes a 35-step drop away from the line of scrimmage. From there, either you sack him or he connects on a bomb for a touchdown. There’s no in-between. Once, the opposing quarterback was facing 4th and inches from his own 15-yard line, and elected to drop back into his own end zone and unleash a sixty yard pass that resulted in a touchdown. Something tells me that the creators of this game (most likely Japanese men) have never watched a football game in their lives.

There are a slew of games that are just as bad that feature equally hilarious professional athlete spokesmen (Bo Jackson, Deion Sanders, Emmitt Smith, Troy Aikman, Roger Clemens, George Foreman, etc.), which leads me to wonder: did they ever actually play these games? I’d like to imagine John Elway sitting in the game company’s offices, slapping his knee with a big smile on his face while playing his game, while yes-men talk about how “lifelike” and “realistic” the game is and John nods in approval. In fact, the reaction of the athlete playing the awful game bearing his likeness would be 100 times more entertaining than the games themselves.

John Lacey

Lawman addendum: Facebook chat discussion

Yesterday, my friend Brian and I talked about Lawman while it was airing. I figured that it's only fitting that I share that with you all now. I realize this probably reads idiodically but try to appreciate our enthusiasm for the subject matter. Enjoy! (For the original show review, please see immediately below.)

10:27pm Brian: martial arts

10:27pm John: did you just hear that

10:27pm Brian: yeah

10:27pm John: what city is this?

hahaha!

10:28pm Brian: somewhere in louisiana

nice shades

10:28pm John: a zen method of breathing

10:28pm Brian: hahaha dont try to do anything

10:29pm John: haha yes! isnt he a deputy? why is he training people?

10:30pm Brian: haha, he's been a deputy for like 20 years

uhhhhhhhhhh

10:31pm John: the introduction is absolutely awesome

10:31pm Brian: yeah this is teriffic

10:32pm John: he's eventually going to shoot someone

10:33pm Brian: chase!

10:33pm John: "where the 95g?

10:33pm Brian: a 95 g!

10:34pm John: is that related to three g's?

10:35pm Brian: i hope so

10:35pm John: these cops must think they're the shit for hanging out with seagal

10:36pm Brian: yeah and theyre all idiots

10:36pm John: haha god almighty

10:37pm Brian: he's huge

10:37pm John: you're not gonna shoot me, seagal. you aint got the gojis!

10:37pm Brian: they should all drink seagal energy drinks on this

10:37pm John: hahahah

10:38pm Brian: Steven Seagal Lawman, brought to you by Steven Seagal Energy Drink, brought to you by Steven Seagal Enterprises

10:38pm John: hahaha I had a flashback from above the law

10:39pm Brian: this these fat bozo cops are ever going to actually use these akido moves

10:39pm John: hahaha I know

10:39pm Brian: that was probably like some 20 minute fuck around thing for filler on the show

oh dear

10:40pm John: definitely I bet they do shit like that constantly

10:40pm Brian: brawl in parking lot

10:43pm John: "I know this place. Let's get out of this neighborhood. Gt now."

10:43pm Brian: Hold on guys, pull over here, i gotta get a 6pack of seltzer

10:44pm John: hahaha

10:45pm John: haha the guy is driving over the lawn

10:46pm Brian: hahahahahaha

10:47pm John: hahahaha

10:47pm Brian: hahahaha

10:48pm John: this guy is the man

10:49pm John: so do they work 24 hours a day?

10:49pm Brian: hahahah i think just like late night

10:51pm John: a&e apparently finds the biggest fuck ups in the world and puts them on tv

10:51pm Brian: hahahaso they did a series with swayze and now seagal

10:53pm John: every show is about drug addicts, people who hold on to everything, people who see ghosts, or feature washed up fat movie stars

10:54pm Brian: i like the back to back episodes

10:54pm John: oh yeah

haha a bottle of goldschlager

10:55pm Brian: hahahaa

10:55pm John: that was a senior quote, by the way

10:55pm Brian: what "can we get some badge numbers"

10:56pm John: "i know y'all tryin to do y'alls job but right now I dont think y'alls doin y'alls job"

10:56pm Brian: hahahaha

10:56pm John: and of course this guy has a 95 g as well

10:58pm John: yes

10:59pm John: if I lived in that area I'd probably move away pretty quickly knowing these retards are patrolling the streets

11:00pm Brian: uhhh yeah headed by the guy from "Submerged"

11:00pm John: hahaok...wow uhh.that was silly1

11:01pm Brian: yeah, that was good though

11:01pm John: sorry that was absurd, Im out

Steven Seagal: Lawman - "The Deadly Hand"

Steven Seagal has long been one of my favorite awful actors. Ever since the opening scene of Out For Justice, where he smashed a pimp’s head through a windshield with his karate prowess, Seagal has delighted me with his putrid acting, his insanely idiotic films, his recent weight gain and subsequent kimono-dependent wardrobe, his energy drink (which my friends and I actually purchased from his website), and his pretentiousness when talking about his martial arts training and whatever Ancient Mystic Oriental item he’s discussing the merits of.

Needless to say, I was absolutely thrilled when I found out he’d be the subject of an A&E reality show in which cameras would follow him performing his duties as an on-duty cop in Louisiana (a job which he’s apparently had for twenty years). Lawman basically brings the Steven Seagal movie characters into real-life dangerous situations, with Seagal mixing his martial arts acumen with by-the-book, old-fashioned police skullcracking. It’s terrific. So I’m going to review new episodes of the show every so often, starting with its second episode, “The Deadly Hand”.

We start with the intro, which is pure gold and one of the most enjoyable aspects of the show. In it, we see Seagal jumping fences and apprehending criminals while he speaks the following voiceover: “I make a living in the movies, but for the past twenty years, I’ve also been a cop. And along with some of the finest deputies on the force, I serve the people of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana. My name is Steven Seagal. That’s right, Steven Seagal, deputy sheriff.” Fuck yeah! Let’s kick some ass!

Seagal and his cadre of physically unfit bozo cops begin with a “suspicious persons” call in a ghetto neighborhood. Seagal casually drops nuggets of wisdom like “awareness is the key to survival”. The camera also periodically gets grainy and slows down while Seagal assesses nearby people as potential threats; call it the “Seagal-Sense”.

They see a guy with a gun on the street (a “95 G”, whatever that is) and try to question him, but he takes off running. Considering the average weight of these guys, including Seagal, is around 300 pounds, he escapes easily. They recover his cell phone and the gun, and Seagal inexplicably wears Bono-esque sunglasses in the middle of the night.'

They apparently never stop working, because they’re still on duty the following morning. Seagal is going to train the others in some martial arts moves, because he’s “studied the martial arts most of his life, so he has a lot of confidence in himself”. His police brethren, however, lack his aikido skills, which could be a problem if they need to serve a warrant on Jet Li. Of course, Steven brings out his Japanese aikido student to take falls for him to demonstrate the proper way to disarm someone, as if these fat clowns are ever going to successfully use these moves. This scene essentially boils down to the cops marveling at Seagal’s basic takedown skills and “quickness”.

The boys now travel to a club parking lot, where contingents of black and white people have started a melee. The quotes bandied about by both the cops and perpetrators are great, with flimsy excuses coming from the fighters and cheesy standard cop threats coming from the officers. One gigantic tattooed black man is none too happy, screaming “Get this shit off me man!” and “I need you to take these bitches off!” in relation to his handcuffs. He then howls in pain like Chewbacca because they’re too tight. Seagal vaguely implies threats of violence and says that the arrestee is “not a very good Zen practitioner”. He is put into the cop car and kicks out the window, prompting them to use a taser on him. Seagal: “Everybody goin’ for a ride!”

1:36 A.M. Saturday: suspicious activity! Seagal-Sense kicks in, and it looks like some guys are drinking in their car! Two guys appear shitfaced and high and have an open bottle of Goldschlager in their car. Their excuses are amazing. We get the quote of the night when one of the accused muses, “I understand y’all doin’ y’all job, but right now I don’t feel like y’all doin’ y’all job!” They also find a gun (another 95 G!), but they’re amazingly not drunk and the gun is legal and registered. One of the two idiots recognizes Seagal and pledges, “I would never disrespect you!” Could you imagine actually being arrested by Steven Seagal?

Finally, we’re back at the precinct, where Seagal promises the other cops that his knowledge can save their lives. He again performs very simple “weapons retention” maneuvers while everyone stands slack-jawed in amazement.

Wow. This is ridiculous. I’m not even going to grade this, because obviously on a legitimate scale, it’s brutally awful. But as a hilariously entertaining half-hour of television, it’s hard to top.

John Lacey

Metal By Steele #1

This is the introduction of a new column I’ll be doing about once a month, where I review a handful of new and not-so-new metal releases in a brief manner. Kicking the inaugural edition off, thrash metal gods Slayer and their latest, World Painted Blood.

Slayer – World Painted Blood

Slayer’s last few albums have all been hailed as a “return to form,” dating back to 2001’s God Hates Us All. Truth is, they never really lost their form in the first place, aside from a few nu-metal-esque tracks on Diabolus in Musica. Slayer has always sounded like Slayer, they’ve just added a few pieces to the repertoire over the years. 2006’s Christ Illusion sounded like a band that was mostly trying to get back in touch with their old thrash metal sound, yet the songs that really stood out on that album (“Jihad” “Eyes of the Insane”) didn’t sound very thrashy at all. I find the same is true on World Painted Blood, with the best songs being on the more experimental side, i.e. “Beauty Through Order” and “Playing with Dolls.” Don’t get me wrong, there are a few great thrash songs on this album – “Psychopathy Red” and “Hate Worldwide,” in particular – but the moodier, slower songs bring to mind the creepy vibe of tracks from South of Heaven and Seasons in the Abyss, something the band hasn’t been able to re-create in quite some time. Some are hailing this album as a return-to-form yet again, but as I said before, this is a band who has always been undeniably SLAYER. As for the album, I like it better than the last 3 they’ve released, so I’d have to say it’s a solid B.

Abraxas – Wretched Existence EP

Thanks to Relapse Records for hooking me up with this EP from brand-new death metallers Abraxas. Featuring veterans of the scene ranging from bands such as Hate Eternal, Monstrosity and Vile, this is fast, brutal death metal, with some catchy riffs, and even a bass solo on opener “Eternally Erased.” I’m not big on the vocals, which I could probably say about 90% of death metal, but musically this is a tight effort from a band that doesn’t exactly stand out from the death metal crowd. Solid debut, for sure, and at only 4 tracks, it definitely doesn’t wear out its welcome like a lot of death metal full-length releases tend to do. Mildly recommended for death metal die-hards only. C+

Mammoth Grinder – Extinction of Humanity

Newly released on CD and digital download by Relapse, this is a Texas band that I was unfamiliar with going into this review. Labeled as a “violent strain of hardcore,” I was apprehensive going into this. Not usually a huge hardcore fan, I was pleasantly surprised at the intensity and rawness exhibited here, and aside from the speed, I didn’t find them to sound very “core” at all. They bring to mind Clandestine/Wolverine Blues-era Entombed in a lot of ways; it’s almost blatant. Not that that’s a bad thing, as those two releases are two of the best metal albums ever, IMO, and with Entombed’s last couple of releases not really hitting the mark for me, Mammoth Grinder certainly does the trick. Not many points for originality, but the execution is top-notch. The songs vary in tempos and structure, so they never get too boring or repetitive. They keep it quick with only 7 songs, which is also a plus. I’ll give it a B-, but am interested in hearing more from them in the future, and seeing if they develop more of their own sound.

Matt Steele