Commercially Viable - Golden Corral

I really don’t like television advertisements. I find them all to be some degree of insulting or annoying. They continually act as a barrier, preventing me from watching the program I’m trying to watch. I’ve never understood the anticipation of the new Super Bowl ads; they’re fucking commercials! We don’t like them every other day of the year. Why do we pretend to care about the newest talking dog Bud Light commercial?

In the best of cases, commercials are white noise. They pass without incident and without fanfare. But in the worst of cases, a television ad is an affront to me personally as a consumer or even a person. “Commercially Viable” will discuss those commercials that make you lunge for the remote whenever they appear, or cause you to talk to yourself about just how stupid that commercial is.

Our first entry is a 2010 (I think) Golden Corral ad. Golden Corral is a chain of Applebee’s-esque casual dining restaurants found throughout the United States. Judging by the Golden Corral website store locator, Golden Corral seems to be most prevalent around the southeastern seaboard, with a large number of locations in North Carolina, Georgia, and Florida. Thankfully there’s only one location here in Massachusetts, located in the western city of Springfield, a city I don’t envision wanting or having to go to again.

This is only a thirty-second spot (there may have been a longer one originally that was cut to this length), but boy, does it pack in the shitty. We open with some fat jerk, his “just pretty enough for a commercial” wife and his two middle-school aged children standing at a microphone. The premise of the ad is that the man and his family want a lot of good food with all the fixin’s, and they’re whittling down all of the available choices by asking a series of inane questions to a group of people who represent different restaurants. Think of it as a gluttonous, high-cholesterol version of “Guess Who?” If the restaurant doesn’t have what they’re looking for, POOF! They fall through a trap door, and the fat guy and his wife continue to ask their rib-related questions to the others.

The father in the commercial states, “We’re in the mood for baby back ribs for dinner tonight. Who’s got ‘em?” Is this normal? All four members of a family want the same thing, and beyond that, they all want to eat ribs? I can see the fatso father wanting ribs, but the dainty and skinny wife? The twelve year old girl? They want ribs too?

After eliminating some of the self-respecting franchises who know their limitations and don’t try and pull off fifth-rate ribs, moron throws out this gem: “And we’re hungry, so it’s gotta be all you can eat.” All you can eat? First of all, the father in the ad definitely shouldn’t be eating all-you-can-eat anything, except maybe grass. He’s visibly overweight and would probably be a heart attack risk if he actually tried to gorge himself at Golden Corral’s all-you-can-eat rib buffet extravaganza.

But secondly, who the fuck is so ridiculous as to require unlimited food for their dinner? Really? The normal serving of ribs just can’t possibly satiate you? I really don’t think there is anyone, even the fattest people in this country, who legitimately think like this. There is no one thinking, “For dinner tonight, I want ribs. But I don’t want to worry about portions or anything. What I’d like for dinner is all of the ribs I can possibly eat.”

Never mind that even a normal plate of ribs would probably be too much for the wife and the two small children. They need all-you-can-eat ribs too, apparently, because now mom chimes in. You see, they don’t just want ribs, and they don’t just want the all-you-can-eat variety. They want them as part of an endless buffet (which I imagine includes an assortment of microwaved vegetables and other meats), and they want them for ten dollars.

Ahem.

If you’re the kind of person who actually thinks, “I’d like all-you-can-eat ribs for dinner tonight”, are you really going to pull punches when it comes to cost? I like to imagine this family rib shopping, calling every restaurant within fifty miles asking about rib availability and pricing. Dad hits the jackpot: “Honey, Longhorn Steakhouse has a rib buffet!” But mom, ever the wet blanket, responds, “Is it around $10? Remember, we’re on a budget.” Then dad solemnly hangs up the phone, cursing Longhorn Steakhouse and its $15 rib festival, and reopens the phonebook.

Our discussion of this commercial wouldn’t be complete without mentioning the wormy Golden Corral spokesman, who smugly drops his dumbass catchphrase (“Thanks for dropping by”) in his stupid Alan Seuss voice when the family finds that their idiotic cuisine requirements can be met by his restaurant. I don’t have anything witty to say here, except that his catchphrase, his stupid face, and the way he raises his eyebrows make me hate this commercial about fifty thousand times more.

We go through a little spiel about what the offer actually is, come on down to Golden Corral, blah blah bullshit bullshit. Thankfully, we get one more scene of the family wolfing down this swill, providing the dad an opportunity to channel Jay Leno with his incredulous “Ten bucks??? Glad we dropped by! (hahaha)” pseudo-joke.

This commercial is the perfect storm. It’s like being on the Hindenburg, except that you also have yellow fever. The family is awful. The food looks awful. The wormy guy is awful. The premise is absolutely god-awful. And since Golden Corral seems to be the official sponsor of MLB Network, and they have now produced several of these types of commercials, the idea of having to see them multiple times a day is frightening.

John Lacey