Hello, and welcome, everyone, to the second installment of Action Und Comedy. In the first column we discussed the first half of the TJ Hooker episode "Hooker's War", originally aired in early 1982. Since it was just so bad, I couldn't watch the whole hour-long episode all at once. But I'm back now to finish it off. Let's recap the action so far.
William Shatner (as "I get results" policeman TJ Hooker), the epitome of manliness, and his Mexican stud sidekick Adrian Zmed, are searching for the root of a stolen gun epidemic ravaging Florida/California/wherever this is. Shatner emasculates criminals, guns are referred to as "merchandise", Zmed tries to get lucky with two sexy ladies, and evil, heretofore, is punished.
We start the second half of the episode with Shatner and Zmed picking up right where they left off, investigating a dead body in a canal. Of course, that dead body belongs (belonged?) to the local dirtbag bookie you might remember from the first half of the ep. You see, Shatner muscled a neighborhood scumbag into assisting him in finding out who is bringing the stolen guns to town by threatening to arrest him. The scumbag acquiesces, and goes to purchase a gun from the motorcycle gang that seems to have a hand in the manufacture and distribution of the guns. As he's about to purchase a gun, Shatner and Zmed jump into action, arresting the gun salesman, completely exposing the bookie as being in league with the police. Now he's dead. Excellent police work! Shatner finishes the scene with a hell of a line, saying, "They're declaring war. And if it's war they want, (dramatic music accompaniment) it's war they're gonna get". Vengeful Shatner isn't very convincing or menacing.
So the two dopes go to the motorcycle gang headquarters themselves to investigate. The bikers talk about how they're "legit". Shatner presses them, causing one of the bikers to remark, "This whole thing is a bunch of bullwash". That type of language just won't fly with Hooker, and he quickly chalks that up to a charge of "attempting to provoke an officer". Shatner and Zmed really come off as giant pains in the ass. The musclebound biker throws a punch at Shatner, who blocks and counters it in that TV and movie way that would never work in real life. He's so fucking manly!
Next: the obligatory "the police chief doesn't like the way Hooker does things, next time do it by the book or YOU'RE OUT OF HERE" scene. In a chain of events that foreshadowed the Harp-Utah showdown in Point Break, Shatner is informed that they've been staking out the gang's headquarters for months, and the investigation is ruined. Bummer.
Hooker is unfazed, however, and ignores Stern Police Chief's orders to lay off. You know how you see those parodies of cop shows all the time, particularly in movies and on South Park? I'm pretty sure the creators of those parodies watched this episode of TJ Hooker. This has every tired, lame convention of the genre imaginable.
The cops go to the gang's garage again and one of them tries to escape on a motorcycle. A ridiculous high-speed chase follows. The gang's ringleader is captured when he:
A) skids out on the motorcycle for no reason
B) is pinned against a fence by Shatner's car, even though he is holding a gun and could have easily fired it
Shatner takes that gun and pours acid on it (very scientific) to raise the filed-off serial number. Apparently, it had been in police custody and somehow was redistributed to the streets. Something is rotten in Denmark! And I have a strong feeling it's this fucking awful show. Shatner face #3: angry.
And of course, that retard ex-partner of his (the one I said would die right away because he was talking about his retirement) is responsible. What a fucking moron. So he had no idea that a simple drop of acid could bring the serial numbers back and trace the entire operation back to him? And he was willing to flush his entire career for this? Nice of the producers not to wait until the end of the episode to reveal this. Why wait until the end to build suspense when you can ruin the surprise now?
Shatner, watching from about ten feet away, can't tell the perp is his former partner. He also hangs from a moving crane for some reason. They eventually have a showdown, and the partner says, "So what's the big deal? I'm selling guns!" I also see no problem with that. Shatner disagrees, a shootout ensues, the bad guy is arrested, Stern Police Chief realizes the error of his ways (for one episode, at least), and Hooker's off on his next wild adventure.
Thanks for reading. I'll be back soon with an episode of Simon & Simon!
John Lacey
No comments:
Post a Comment