Hello! Welcome to the newest feature of the Musicarium, “Action Und Comedy”! In this recurring column we’ll look at a dopey cop/crime/action show from the 70s, 80s, or 90s, dissecting its inanity and mostly making fun of it. We’ll start today with the fourth episode of William Shatner’s action-cop vehicle, TJ Hooker. The episode, entitled “Hooker’s War”, first aired in early 1982.
Since TJ Hooker episodes are an hour long, I’m splitting the column into two pieces because the column would just be too long, and lord knows I don’t want to lose the attention of you, the faithful reader. As always, feel free to leave a comment on the article.
Before we begin, I’d like to point out that I watched this episode on YouTube. Apparently, YouTube and Google have partnered to put shitty twenty-seven year old television shows on the Internet, because this was an “officially sanctioned” clip, as if people are clamoring for TJ Hooker. The annoying thing is that they actually interspersed ads into the episode, so every fifteen minutes or so an ad for the University of Phoenix interrupts the show. For something like The Office, a show people actually care about, I understand the rationale. But do you really need to splice ads into a fucking TJ Hooker episode?
Anyway, the opening credits. Classic crappy cop show. Here’s the rundown:
- Cue cheesy 80s action music.
- Shatner leaping across rooftops.
- Close-up of Shatner brandishing a gun.
- Shatner jumping onto a car.
- Another close-up of Shatner.
- His cocky Latino sidekick, Adrian Zmed!
- Shatner jumping onto a school bus.
- Token “sexy officer” April Clough.
- Token “stern police chief who wants Shatner to do things ‘by the book’” Richard Herd.
And we’re off! We open with Shatner leaving an establishment called “Gay 80s”, perhaps in a nod to his then-closeted former Star Trek co-star George Takei. Hooker and Zmed share exciting small-talk about coffee and their grandfathers, but are cut off by a speeding van barreling down the intersection. The van runs a red light, and Zmed leaps into action, checking his mirrors, proceeding into traffic carefully, and chasing down the offenders.
They pull the van over, but it speeds away, giving Shatner a chance to work in his famous car hood log roll, which looked like it was in slow motion. Did people actually buy Shatner as an action hero at the time?
The van eventually inexplicably rolls over during the pursuit, and the stereotypical brain-dead white thugs try to escape on foot. They get away. Shatner and Zmed discover, however, that the van is filled with guns. Shatner’s acting face changes from stoic to befuddled. Plotlines for these kinds of shows dictate that every van be filled with either drugs or guns. Also, the police are compelled to refer to drugs or guns as “merchandise” at all times.
We’re now introduced to the gang ringleader (I think), who looks like a cross between an Arabian sultan and Randy Savage. He’s steamed at the knuckleheads for running the red light and causing him to lose his merchandise. Meanwhile, Shatner’s old detective buddy arrives to help out with the investigation, and immediately dooms himself by talking about how he has one year left until retirement. I envision a paragraph about his death shortly. Pointless dogshit follows.
I noticed that Hooker and Zmed don’t wear seat belts, which causes me to hope for some sort of horrific accident to befall them. Unfortunately, before that can happen, they’re summoned to catch a donut shop robber. They corner the perp, and Shatner drops a classic line while trying to persuade him to drop his gun: “Being dead is as much trouble as there is.” Of course, the robber is convinced by Shatner’s idiocy that not shooting him is the right idea (again, unfortunately) and they try to use him to find out where the illegal guns are coming from.
The two cops then accost a local swarthy bookie that looks like Eugene Levy wearing a plaid three piece suit. You know the deal with these characters; “Get your hands off me, pig”, “That’s illegal search and seizure”, etc. Shatner recruits the bozo to buy him a stolen gun.
Boy, this show is awful.
A sting is then arranged and the bookie buys a gun off a guy in a Canadian tuxedo looking like Sam Elliot from Road House. One of the motifs of TJ Hooker is that criminals always run directly onto roads or pathways accessible by auto, allowing themselves to be caught. This seems like an odd strategy, considering that Bill Shatner is thoroughly out-runnable. Needless to say, they apprehend him.
And that’s half of the show! I’ll be back sometime soon to finish this baby off!
Full episode: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqZZWg2uipE
John Lacey
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