Film Convention #1: She'd Never Go Out With That Guy!

Hi, and welcome to a new column here on the Musicarium, Film Conventions. In this column, I aim to take a closer look at various things that crop up repeatedly in films. I’m not trying to determine why these motifs are utilized and why directors keep going to the same well, nor is this meant to be any kind of exhaustive list. There are simply a bundle of things I’ve seen in a lot of different films and I thought this would be as good a place as any to discuss them. So there!

Today, we look at the “attractive girl who is interested in a really weird, but at his heart, good guy”. This motif has been used for generations by lazy screenwriters, is a staple of nearly all films starring Saturday Night Live alums, and recently started being employed by Judd Apatow and his ilk. Usually, the girl in question isn’t drop-dead gorgeous; “wholesome”, “pretty” and “potentially obtainable” are qualifiers that come to mind. Rather than be repelled by the idiotic/childish/scary/angry/ridiculous/insane antics of the film’s protagonist, our woman finds herself drawn in by the hero’s dim-witted, sweaty charms and down to earth good looks.

Sometimes, but not always, there will be a villainous character for the hero to play against for the affections of the female, making her a sort of damsel-in-distress. The villains are always bigger clowns than the heroes, except that they’re evil. Usually these villains are self-obsessed, concerned only with sex and not the woman’s feelings, and in extreme cases controlling, bossy and forceful. Basically, these films give us a paint-by-numbers complete asshole, and perhaps the only person less desirable than the hero of the film.

My question: why would a good-looking, often professional woman waste their time with either man? In real life, they wouldn’t, but here are a few examples from movies when they do.

Movies without a villainous jackoff

Dirty Work (1998)
Woman interested in man she’d never really be interested in: Traylor Howard

Though Julie Bowen in Happy Gilmore (which we’ll get to in a second) sets the standard for good natured, good looking women falling for buffoons, Traylor Howard gets close to the benchmark she sets. Howard has short, blonde hair, a gentle and calm demeanor, and appears to be the one person in the world not put off by Norm MacDonald’s never-ending sarcasm and meanness. She handles his awkwardness and strangeness with interest and affection, and never seems to wonder why the guy is such a dick.

After Norm MacDonald and Artie Lange team up to destroy her grandmother’s apartment building, Howard finally gets mad at him and realizes what a creep he is. Later, the two men manage to clear their names and out evil millionaire (but not “evil millionaire vying for the woman’s affection”!) Travis Cole as the real culprit behind the vandalism. Norm gets the girl in the end, and she never wonders how someone could be so pathetic as to destroy and steal from an entire apartment building. A first-class “she’d never go out with that guy”.

Billy Madison (1995)/Happy Gilmore (1996)
Women interested in man they’d never really be interested in: Bridgette Wilson (Sampras)/Julie Bowen (pictured)

Since these two movies are essentially exactly the same, I thought I’d lump them together. Plots: borderline retarded man-child (Adam Sandler) is desperate to achieve a particular goal. He needs to complete a difficult task in order to achieve this goal. He meets a woman along the way who helps him achieve this goal. They fall in love. Please note that I enjoy these two movies and I’m not trying to denigrate them by pointing this out; this is simply what they are.

In both films, the Sandler character is a brain-dead, drunken moron. He swears, complains, is bitingly sarcastic and rude, gets in fights, constantly bemoans his standing in life, and is in general a disgusting and awful person. In Billy Madison, Sandler is actually forced to go back to grade school because he’s considered such an idiot by everyone he knows. Yet, both in Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore, the Sandler character is able to attract a hard-working, purposeful, professional woman. It’s not really explained how, it just sort of happens, although in Billy Madison his grade school teacher, Bridgette Wilson, seems mildly impressed by and attracted to the idea of Sandler grabbing her breasts. In both films, the woman suddenly realizes she loves this dope, even though there’s absolutely nothing to love.

Tommy Boy (1995)
Woman interested in man she’d never really be interested in: Julie Warner

Of all the “she’d never go out with that guy” candidates, this seems to me to be the most feasible in real life. In Tommy Boy, Warner is not a knockout, nor does she have a slightly masked sexiness that the other women mentioned have. She’s simply plain and unremarkable, if slightly cute. Additionally, the behavior of her love interest, Chris Farley, is oafish but not rude or crass, causing her interest in him to be slightly more realistic.

But still, Farley is a bumbling moron in Tommy Boy. Characters constantly joke about how he’s retarded. He can’t seem to walk three feet without walking into a wall or having his pants fall down. And though the barbs hurt Tommy, and he wants to be cooler and less accident-prone (causing him to be a more sympathetic character), no woman of Warner’s stature would take a chance on him. He’s very fat, he’s very stupid and his never-ending string of mishaps is liable to kill her.

Movies with a villainous jerkoff

How High (2001)
Woman interested in man she’d never really be interested in: Lark Voorhies
Villainous jerkoff she wouldn’t have been with before: Chris Elwood

How High might give us the biggest shithead in movie history. Chris Elwood is simply an asshole; he’s a jealous, angry, rude, evil dunderhead. He acts like a young, cocky professional wrestler. Even though Voorhies is black, Elwood makes racial jokes at the expense of his competitor, Silas (played by Method Man). By his actions he practically begs his girlfriend (Voorhies) to leave him.

Even though Elwood is an asshole, Method Man isn’t much better. He’s constantly high on marijuana, he cultivates said marijuana, he’s studying at Harvard fraudulently, and he’s largely a jerk. I’d imagine there would be other men at a university such as Harvard, in a city like Boston, that Voorhies could hitch her wagon to. Her oscillation from one extreme to the other; from ultra-conservative racist blockhead to super-high dunce, might make her the quintessential “she’d never be with that guy” character.

Hot Rod (2007)
Woman interested in man she’d never really be interested in: Isla Fisher
Villainous jerkoff she wouldn’t have been with before: Will Arnett

Isla Fisher isn’t wholesome; she’s downright gorgeous. This makes her attraction to Hot Rod good guy Andy Samberg that much more laughable and implausible. Samberg is a self-styled daredevil who risks his life on a daily basis to impress his stepfather and show how cool he is. He is constantly surrounded by his troglodyte friends, who help him with his stunts and enjoy lighting off fireworks. And for some reason she enjoys their company.

Perhaps her enjoyment of their boneheaded antics stems from her perennial mistreatment at the hands of her boyfriend, played by Will Arnett. His is the classic “dickhead boyfriend” character; checking out other women right in front of Fisher and being concerned more about himself and his “bros” than with her. He also explicitly tells her that he’s “going to buy some dongbags”, which I actually thought was hilarious. Fisher presents another case of being interested in two men that no sane, reasonable woman would ever be interested in; the crazed man-child and the ludicrously self-centered shithead.

Back to School (1986)
Woman interested in man she’d never really be interested in: Terry Farrell
Villainous jerkoff she wouldn’t have been with before: William Zabka

Back to School presents a rare case where the hero is simply a mope. Keith Gordon plays Jason Melon, a shy college freshman who can hardly say two words to girls without coming off as self-conscious and awkward. Instead of having some idiosyncratic trait (like being a daredevil or a golfer who can hit the ball 500 yards), Melon is an introvert. And, from what I’ve seen, nothing in real life is as unattractive to women as being an introvert.

His love interest is Valerie Desmond (Farrell), who is really tall and pretty. She immediately takes a liking to Melon, for whatever reason, even though his jokes are awful and he mumbles incoherently whenever he encounters her. Of course, standing in the way of their ill-conceived destiny is the go-to asshole of the 80s, William Zabka. He does much of what Arnett does in Hot Rod, except it’s not meant to be funny in Back to School. He objectifies and humiliates Desmond and tries to make Melon’s life a living hell. On one hand, we have an unidentifiable doofus, and on the other, a jerky alpha male, with a sweet but pretty college girl in between. In real life, she’d choose neither.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t quickly mention Road House (1989), in which the town’s preeminent sexy but compassionate doctor (Kelly Lynch) once dated a cold hearted millionaire who ruled their town with an iron fist. When she finally left the old evil guy, who did she shack up with? A bouncer with a heart of gold, known primarily for his ability to rip people’s throats out.

If you feel I missed a particularly good one, feel free to leave a comment or post it on Facebook!

John Lacey