Disclaimer: These diatribes were created for educational purposes only. They do not reflect the views of the author. Any resemblance is purely coincidental.
I would like to introduce myself. My name is Erin, and feel it is my social duty to offer the general public a fresh look on popular tunes. I am not a professional writer, nor a celebrated virtuoso. But, I possess a self-proclaimed degree in urban observation paired with a judging attitude, and witty disposition. Jackpot! So, while I am not an expert on the subject, I do feel qualified to deconstruct, expose, and reveal your specious top 40 hits for who they really are.
In today’s essay, I would like to discuss the cultural phenomenon of the dive bar digital jukebox, and the musical selections that can be requested with a 4 credits per dollar purchase. Specifically, this is a summary of the most deadly earworms to grace audio mediums. Alternatively, this list could be used strategically to introduce unsolicited social awkwardness in a bar.
Scene: You, sitting at your local “paddy’s pub” with (enter beverage choice here) in hand, watching a couple in the corner on their first match.com date, 2 business men discussing work on a paper napkin, another group of friends scrolling through photos from a night of mayhem, friends playing darts in the corner, a guy trying to pick up a girl way out of his league / girl giving the wrong number, et cetera. The musical ambiance: each song hand selected, is an amorphous mix of classic rock, 90’s grunge, and modern hip-hop. Each tune seems to fit into place, nothing too unexpected. Then, like a bitch slap across the face, bringing you straight back to middle school, you hear the first 5 ascending notes of “The Thong Song”. Compliments to Sisqo, all action in the bar has ceased for what seems to be eternity. You look around, to make unintentional eye contact with everyone, searching for the one soul that decided, “Yes, this was a good musical decision”. With one swift shot, one song has made the entire bar uncomfortable, yet, simultaneously feels good… like the last time you indulged in a guilty pleasure. However, because every song carries a certain level of “Cool”, your reputation lies on your immediate reaction to Sisqo’s poem…. Maybe you do have a look in your eye so devilish, and occasionally like to shake that thang like who’s the ish, but you can’t let your neighbor know that. The various looks of disapproval provided by terrible music are a green house for awkward situations to flourish.
So, after a poll amongst peers, and heavy researching, I bring to you the list of most inappropriate earworms that could possibly be played via dive bar jukebox, complete with my own personal annotations.
1.) Sisqo – "Thong Song"
Catchy tune, which allowed females to feel confident about a whale’s tale coming out the back of their jeans. And funny thing, Sisqo even pinpoints the demographic that digs his song. White girls who also have Ricky Martin’s album, and therefore will automatically acknowledge the limerick, “and ya cruise to the crews like connect da dots… cuz she was livin la vida loca” …
2.) Ricky Martin – "Livin' La Vida Loca"
A metro-sexual man in tight pleather pants, shaking his bon-bon, with his hands in the air singing Spanglish sweet-nothings into a woman’s ear.
3.) Lou Bega – "Mambo # 5"
The seven independent women in Mr. Bega’s life and/or anyone who shares their name made this song popular. Kudos to Monica, Erica, Rita, Tina, Sandra, Mary, and Jessica for taking one for the team, and consequently introducing jive-dance to the Billboard charts.
4.) Los Del Mar – "Macerena"
Is it possible to just sit and listen to this song? I think we have a social experiment on our hands.
5.) Shawn Mullins – "Lullaby"
I don’t even think this counts as a song. Shawn Mullins is merely speaking deeply throughout the song. To be quite honest it creeps me out that he knows so much about a girl by merely observing her from the stage. Creep.
6.) Aqua – "Barbie Girl"
This one needs no explanation.
7.) Trashmen – "Surfin’ Bird"
I am not sure if this 60’s jam is in modern jukeboxes. I challenge you to download and listen to this obnoxious jig for more then 15 seconds.
8.) Eiffel 65 – "Blue"
Actually, this song could become a hot topic of discussion; the trippy lyrics suggest what life would be like if everything was blue, even your girlfriend. What a terrible thought.
9.) Chumbawamba – "Tubthumping"
Actually, this is my guilty pleasure. A musical successory.
10.) Jennifer Lopez – "Jenny From The Block"
Question: Did J.lo ever find someone that was actually fooled by the rocks that she had?
Honorable mentions:
Dead Or Alive – "You Spin Me Round"
Anything by Nickelback
Rednex – "Cotton Eyed Joe"
Creed – "With Arms Wide Open"
The Pretenders – "500 Miles"
Tatu – "All The Things She Said"
La Bouche – "Be My Lover"
Phantom Planet – "California"
Tal Bachman – "She’s So High"
I would like to thank all that responded to my poll. It is my intentions for you to take this information to the next dive bar jukebox. Just to mix things up, make your next outing a little spicy and classless for everyone else.
Erin Briskie
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